"Stuck in neutral." "Stuck in a rut." "Stuck on stupid."
OK, people, the stuck stops here!
"I feel so stuck. I need to find a passion, but I just can't."
About half of my
friends say this regularly. They talk as if their passion was a lost item
they could find by digging around in their psyches, like beachcombers with
bad shorts, wearing dark socks and sandals, running about with metal detectors searching for treasure in the sand.
Just for a moment, stop digging. Look at the ocean. Can you sense its
inconceivable power, its vast, untamed, glorious fertility? Good.
Now we've got us one of them-there metaphors, Buford.
Passion—including the passion we feel within ourselves and
therefore call "ours"—is not something we can grasp or possess but rather, a force of nature,
connected to and influenced by things that extend far beyond any single person.
Finding it isn't like shopping for the perfect bargain at the mall; it's like leaving
the comfortable terrain of home behind us and throwing ourselves into the sea. Most
of us avoid taking the plunge. We turn away from the ocean, ignoring the roar of
breakers, refusing to notice how our hair prickles when we smell that salt water.
Then we spend years looking for our "lost" passion in the sand of a grotesquely
overpopulated place called the "Island of Yeah-But." ( I really, really, REALLY hate
the phrase "Yeah-But")
The Island of Yeah-But
The "yeah" pushes us toward our dreams and goals; the "but" stops us dead in our tracks.
Yeah-but prefaces infinite justifications (translation: excuses) for avoiding the things our hearts find
compelling.
Try this: The next time you hear yourself say "Yeah, but…,"ask yourself if
you're describing a genuine obstacle that cannot be overcome or walked around. If not, do
exactly what your Yeah-but keeps telling you not to do. Write that novel. Adopt a puppy
from the pound. Speak up for that charity or cause. Keep the "yeah"and kick the "but."
If this feels like the "BIG SCARY" and the way is still unclear, you may need to address the
factors that trigger the Yeah-buts in the first place. It been my observation that in
the areas where I'm feeling stuck, I'm probably feeling one of the Three Fs:
fatigued, forbidden or fearful. Fatigue
If your inner life is so blahzie-blah that you don't enjoy anything, or if you know what
you love but find yourself stuck in Yeah-but excuses, ask yourself, "How old do I
feel?" If the answer is "Really, really old," you're probably too tired to embark
on a grand journey of pursuing your passion. Fatigue can cause an absence of physical desire (an
exhausted body isn't programmed to run races or make babies), a loss of mental sharpness, and/or a flat emotional profile. (This is my personal kryptonite.)
Sometimes I'm just plain tired.
At times, this may reach the level of depression. One day, a couple of years ago, a co-worker trudged into
my office, plopped into a chair, and said she was depressed—only she said it so
slowly that I thought she said "deep rest." (AHA! A light bulb moment!!) In a way, this
was accurate. Depression can be part of a general systems shutdown, meant to turn us
toward healing. A tired body, a tired mind, a tired heart can't—and shouldn't—be
passionate about anything but rest. So if you're exhausted, take care of YOU.
Curl up with the kid or the cat and watch TV, sleep, read, sleep some more.
Eventually, you'll wake up feeling like it's time to go for a walk, or get in the kitchen and cook something beautiful to the senses, or go to the gym, or
pickup the pen and write or something. One important caveat: If you
aren't feeling refreshed after a couple of weeks' rest, it's time to see a
doctor. You may have a condition, such as a chemical imbalance, that can be
alleviated only through professional care. (There, friends in the medical
profession, are you happy? I'm being all responsible and stuff)
Forbidden
Often stuck people have learned through experience, example, or explicit
instruction that passion is bad. You may feel stuck if your super-religious parents were always railing against sin or if your suave, intellectual,"trendier-than-thou"
friends mock anyone who seems enthusiastic about anything. We'll do almost anything to avoid
shame. To see whether you have been stripped of your passion by social judgment,
complete the following sentences with whatever comes to mind:
*If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would.....
*If I could be sure I'd do it right, I would.....
If you thought of things you've never actually done, things that make you giggle
with embarrassment, you're probably forbidding yourself.
You've learned to expect negative judgments when you get passionate about something, so (consciously or unconsciously)
you avoid intense feeling and anything that causes it.
The tragic thing is that many people never realize there are places where they
can jump in and swim with confidence. It's true that some social environments are
vicious, but others are warm, accepting, loving. Think of the things that you'd
do if they weren't forbidden. If they don't violate your own moral code, start
doing them and for the love of Pete, DON'T go sharing this part of yourself with the people who would judge
you. I call this not letting anyone crap on your parade! Protect your passion.
It's yours.
You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't. I've watched incredulously as
dozens of friends and co-workers who are just getting unstuck seek support from
the very people who got them stuck in the first place. They confide in their
militantly atheist friends about their call to the ministry, or tell their
pessimistic, puritanical mother that all they want to do with their life is DANCE! Don't make
this mistake. You know what the sharks look like, and the places they lurk. Avoid
them. Instead share your passion with the folks who are most likely to support you. In
doing so, you'll add social approval to the inherent joy doing what you are called to do—and it will feel fabulous.
Fearful
An acquaintance of mine is a gorgeous, intelligent, girl preparing to ask for a promotion at her job. The pressure
triggered a whole bunch of fears she had suffered since she was the youngest child of a severely disapproving father. She began to
replace healthy behaviors with eating binges, and she started gaining weight
while losing confidence. (Any woman will tell you that sudden weight gain, no matter how
minuscule, is a confidence killer). She
talked to me, a bit about her fear (we don't know each other that well). This helped her
get a handle on her fear, but didn't eliminate it. Why? Because she really, really
cared about getting that job, and there was a good chance she'd fail, and that
was super-scary to her. Period. To get unstuck,we are compelled to take this kind of
risk, fearful or not. Waiting to feel brave so that you can act brave? Oh no. So sorry, but thanks for playing.
The only way to develop courage is to act brave regardless of the level of fear you are experiencing.
In my acquaintance's case, this meant doing two things every day: nurturing that
scared little girl inside her, and getting that scared little girl to do the
kind of job that gets her noticed, to put herself out there. It's called
the soft-heart, hard-ass approach. If you're stuck, I'd advise you to adopt it.
Care for your heart by soothing it, but follow your dreams even when you're
scared. Make friends with the fear that tells you you're doing something real and
important, that you're breaking out of your comfort zone.
By feeling the fear and doing something, anything to move you towards your dream anyway, you do risk failure—but you will
still get unstuck, often in ways you never expected. 
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