Repost: 3 Radical Steps to Managing Radical Change

Repost- I first wrote this three years ago -
I thought it needed a revisit.


So, you've had a radical change in your life.
You lost your job.
Your relationship ended.
You've relocated and have no new support system.
(Insert your big change here)
 And you feel ...unwell... scared... lost....just wrecked.
Now what?

As easy as it would be to make a permanent date with Ben and Jerry and hole yourself up literally and figuratively from all of humanity forever... I think we both know that isn't a viable option, long term. So enjoy your Chunky Monkey, mourn what it is that you have lost, and when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired...Get Radical!

 

 

 

3 Radical Steps to Managing Radical Change

 

1. Radical Self Care

You have to start with the basics. You've been dealt a big blow by life and you are allowed to care for yourself.  More than that, it is imperative that you care for yourself. You are in the process of refilling the well and it happens on no one's timetable but yours.

The very first thing that can help is to set healthy boundaries. Because you lost your job does NOT mean that you are now available to babysit everyone's children, walk their dogs, house sit or clean their closets. Because you are now single does not mean that you are to be set up with everyone's cousin/brother/best friend. Because you are going through a change does not mean you have to listen to, or take on others' opinions or judgements of you and your situation.  "No" is not a four letter word. Keep close those unconditional supporters in your life and let everyone else know you are in a rebuilding phase.

Radical care of the body is key. As much as we are all lovers of Ben and Jerry, sooner or later one must break up with them and start to feed yourself. Well. You are fueling the vehicle you use to move through life, and there is no trade-in option. Get a tune up with your doctor. Exercise for health AND sanity. Multiple studies have shown regular exercise to be as good or better than antidepressants in relieving mild to moderate depression. Take care of you in the most basic way first.

Radical emotional care means you have to change your self-talk. If you are not nice to you, who will be? This does not mean caving in and affirming every little emotion that comes along. Remember, your habitual self talk probably isn't very kind to you right now. Specifically, "I've failed. I'm not good enough. I'll never find love. I'm never going to make new friends.Things like this always happen to me." and the like. Catch yourself in this self talk and ask yourself - "Is this really true?" Then flip the script. You haven't failed unless you've stopped trying for anything. You gained valuable lessons from this experience. If nothing else, you know what doesn't work. You won't find love or new friends? Honey, there are seven billion people here on Planet Earth. Surely some of them will have an affinity for you and vice versa. Perhaps widening your scope would be a good idea. Things like this always happen to you? Do you lose a job every single day? Do you leave a relationship every day? Are you relocating daily? Hardly. So these things don't always happen to you, do they? Start talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. "Beloved, this is just a set back, a minor glitch in the grand scheme of your life. Your loss was only to make way for something bigger, better and more fulfilling that the Universe has in store for you! Get excited!" (At least, that's what I would say to my best friend.) Give yourself a break.

 

2. Radical Action

Once you have replenished your resources a bit, it's time for radical action. You will know when that time comes by a relentless restlessness, by ideas waking you up in the middle of the night, by a need for movement.

Radical action is different for each of us. For some it is going out there and getting another, better job. For others it is signing up for a dating sight. For me it was restructuring my life so as not to work 9-5, to pursue my art while finding ways to make ends meet using my art. For some it's leaving absolutely everything behind and starting from scratch. It really doesn't matter what the radical action is, as long as it breaks the habitual pattern. Remember the old saying "If all you ever do is what you've always done; all you'll ever get is what you've always gotten." Get fearless. Challenge yourself. Step out of the comfort zone. Recognize that what looks like happiness to you may not match what's considered "normal" by your friends and family. Get OK with being perceived as different or eccentric or even the 'bad guy'. This is your journey. At the end of the day the only perception you have to live with is yours. Be aware that 'security' is an illusion. Any one of us, in a moment, could lose everything or face a life-changing event that was completely unforeseeable. Embrace uncertainty, make it a friend, and then you can begin to manage your reactions to the unforeseeable in a positive way.

 

3. Radical Surrender

There's that word again. Surrender. This doesn't mean giving up. It means freeing yourself from worrying about things you never had control over in the first place. It means forgiving people, not because what they did was OK, only that you'd rather not carry the burden of resentment anymore for something that's already in the past. It means detaching from outcomes and just giving yourself over to the work, the relationship, the journey and having faith that where you end up will be precisely where you were supposed to end up. Relinquish the desire to make others respond or behave the way you think they should. They are on their own journey, with their own lessons to learn. It is not your business to dictate their steps. As I've said for many years, "You can't tell grown people what to do." Your only decision is whether to walk with them or not. If not, send them love and light and let your paths diverge.

Just let go. You don't have to drive everyone's bus.
Finally, get grateful. Gratitude and depression cannot occupy the same space. When you start looking around for things to be grateful for in life, guess what happens? More things for which to be grateful start to show up. And it grows exponentially. You don't have to believe me, try it for 30 days, it will prove itself to you.

Before you know it, you will find yourself in a brand new place, perhaps one you never expected to see. And you will be able to say, as my friend Judie said today, "No matter what the future holds, I will greet it with open arms and be the best person I can be." 

Thanks Judie, for inspiring today's post. You are my Ambassador of Rad.

Let's Talk About Fear, Bay-bee.

Oh, Fear...
That old friend that has kept us alive since way back when the primeval versions of ourselves were running around, fending off mastodons. 

That old enemy that keeps us from doing the things that call to our deepest soul.

Fear is the ultimate "frenemy".

Let's be fair.
Fear isn't all bad. (see: mastodons, fending off of - )
It's programmed into our DNA to keep us from hurtling off cliffs or letting our daughters date drummers. A healthy measure of fear is part of our survival mechanism. When fear becomes problematic is when it paralyzes us from doing things we long to do, or things know we ought to do. Let's take a look at some of the most common forms fear takes in everyday life and what we can do to put it in it's place.

The psychological condition of fear is, in most cases in modern life, divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger (i.e. mastodons). It's more often fear of something that may never happen that stops us in our tracks. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, nervousness, anxiety, panic, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now. You are in the here and now, while your mind is in some imagined future. This creates an anxiety gap. And if you have identified with this imagined outcome, that anxiety gap will be your constant companion. You can always cope with the present moment, but you cannot cope with something that is only a mind projection - you cannot cope with a future that does not exist yet. We humans are the only creatures on earth who do this. The human ego is very vulnerable and insecure and it sees itself as constantly under threat. This, by the way, is the case even if the person is outwardly very confident. Now remember that an emotion is the body's reaction to your thoughts. This is important: Fear, like all emotions, is physical. It exists in the  body. What message is the body receiving continuously from the ego? Danger, I am under threat. And what is the emotion generated by this continuous message? Fear, of course.

So how does it manifest? Like this:

Staying in Situations That No Longer Serve Our Well-Being 
How often in our lives do we stay in a job that sucks the life out of us or a relationship that sucks the soul out of us? We've all done it, but why? Because the alternative that we've dreamed up is far worse, in our fearful minds, than the situation that is currently draining our life dry.
We couldn't possibly stand up and calmly leave the toxic relationship. That would make us a bad person. Our fear projects a future where we are alone, eating frozen lean cuisines for one and are utterly unlovable because we're such a loser.
We couldn't possibly leave our soul-sucker of a job. That would make us a quitter and irresponsible. Our fear projects a future where we are homeless, destitute and no doubt smelly and utterly unlovable because we're such a loser.

Let me ask you this?
Have you ever been fired from a job?
Have you ever been dumped?
Ever had those two things happen at the same time?
It seems like the end of the world.
But caving in to your fear wasn't an option. Your worst fear has come upon you and you can cope, you can recover, you can even thrive - because you must. It is here now and we CAN cope with real situations in the present moment. The Universe has just removed you from the situation you were too fearful to leave on your own. You're welcome.
 Cut to six months later: You're in a better job or have started your own business, you are more fulfilled and more abundant than you ever thought you could be.  The right people have arrived into your life right on time and you can't believe you were ever afraid. That catastrophe was the best thing that could have happened to you.

People-Pleasing 

I think everyone has had a time in their life when they've run around to all and sundry, pleading "Validate me! Please!"  We are social creatures by nature and the abject terror of our internal Judge Judy, of being judged and found wanting is the most universal fear there is. We don't want others to dislike us, to disapprove of us, to think less of us or to think we are a "bad person". So we scramble around trying to fulfill every one's needs but our own, which creates an expectation from others of our constant availability, which we then try to fill and have no idea how to stop the spiral for fear of being judged. The result? Burn out, depression and a lingering resentment for being taken for granted. The irony of this situation is that very few people respect a people-pleaser. Folks may appreciate what they do, but respect? Hardly.  It's hard to respect someone who has no boundaries. No boundaries denotes a lack of self-respect. And in case your mama didn't tell you - NO ONE will respect you if you don't respect yourself. You teach people how to treat you.

Paralysis
This is by far the most common manifestation of fear. Doing absolutely nothing. If I don't move, I can't make a wrong move, can I? That's safe. Right?
Wrong.
Here's a little truth cookie for you to munch on: If you are not consciously expanding your comfort zone, it contracts all by itself. This is undoubtedly the quickest route to hiding in your room, isolating yourself and greatly increases the chances of dying there, all alone and being eaten by your cats. All of creation is in motion. Standing still is not an option. Eventually you will have to do something.


So what's the antidote to fear?

Courage

 

If we learned nothing else from the Cowardly Lion's story in "The Wizard of Oz", we learned that courage is not the absence of fear. It is being absolutely terrified and doing what needs to be done anyway. It is facing the Wicked Witch, going through the Dark Forest even though "I do believe in spooks, I do, I do I do!" It is fainting in the face of the great and powerful Oz, and getting back up to receive our medal.
When we face our fears, we must remember: The flying monkeys have taken Dorothy. We're the only ones who can save her (and her little dog too!). The hourglass is on the table and now is the only time we have. What to do?



These 3 Things:

1. Take massive action. - As mentioned earlier, Fear, like all emotions, is physical. It exists in the  body. In order to move past fear, it is necessary to break the pattern of habitual thinking and acting that put us in fear to begin with. Do something, anything, to literally or symbolically take on fear in general.  Go ziplining, talk to a stranger, seek a support group, make it your business to educate yourself, learn to fire walk, dress up like a guard and sneak into the witch's castle, ANYTHING. Just take action. You needn't do it perfectly. Just do it.
2. Build on Successes - Every time you face something that scares you and don't die or anything, you've triumphed over fear. Keep the momentum going by taking another step and then another. If you fall, get back up. It's just a hiccup on your path and it will pass. Remember that what you put your attention upon is what expands in your life, so if you are consistently focusing on your successes, more successes will surely show up. Work on your weaknesses, by all means, but build upon your successes. Your gifts are unique and who will treasure them if you do not?
3. Embrace Fear as Energy - Think about it. Adrenaline is powerful stuff. The more intense your fear, the more energy it produces. You are a thinking being, you can choose what meaning to give that energy. Suppose you take that intense feeling and decide it will no longer be fear, it will be the power to produce change. What would happen then? It's your energy. You get to decide what it means. If your fear is screaming "I can't!", you can decide that this means "I MUST!".

You - 1
Fear - 0

You Win.

So...Writers Write....Right?

Well hello there!
I know...I know.... I've been maintaining radio silence for way too long..... 
Ever since my brilliant friend Dave Ebersole and I declared 2013 to be "The Year Of Manifesting" (i.e. Publishing!) things have been alternately moving at light speed and getting roadblocked. 
It's truly been feast or famine.

I spent the first part of the year rewriting and performing in "Bad Cupid Cabaret" and writing my play "A Long, Long Way from Home". I was fortunate to have a staged reading in March at the Shubin Theatre, here in Philadelphia, featuring some of the finest actors in the area.  It was well received and I got valuable feedback . 
Feast!
And then my whole creative machine shut down. 


Oh, I did the kind of writing/editing that pays the bills. You know, cleaning up web content and making it pretty, etc. But I was not writing. 
 
I. Was. Not. Writing.
Not a word.
No morning pages.
No journal entries.
No stories
No plays.
No songs.
No nothin'.
It was excruciating.

Famine.


I diverted my focus caring for small children, cooking wonderful meals for my fella, getting a part time gig at a cosmetics store, supporting my fella in his budding acting career, spending way too much time on Facebook.... but I was not writing. Not MY writing, anyway.
Oh, hell and damnation!
I was blocked. 
Now what?

"Let it Go" - The Art of Surrender

Years ago, my BFF and songwriting partner, Mick Loro and I wrote a song called "Let It Go". The song was about surrender. Not the kind of surrender that says "I give up"; but rather the kind of surrender that says "I'm just going to show up, be present and let my obstacles be removed. I'm going to get out of my own head and be there for someone else, for the work, for whatever my soul calls for me to do, and let the results take care of themselves." My favorite line from that song goes: "Come, dance with me... there is great strength in 'we'..."

I needed to forget about "how" things were going to manifest and just get to manifesting. As Oliver Stone says; "Ninety percent of writing is ass + chair."

I had forgotten that. So, about a month ago, I went back to the beginning. I was thinking about my childhood and families in general. Remembering my brother and I listening carefully for how many saints my mother called upon when chastising us, so we would know just how much trouble we were in, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be funny if those saints just started showing up?"  Et Voila! My play "13 Saints", was born. A couple of weeks later, a conversation with a friend spurred an outline for a hilarious children's book series and the feast has begun again.

The upshot of all this is that sometimes our Second Act needs a second act, or a third, fourth or however many are required. There are no quotas on do-overs when you are following your passion. Redirection and refocus is an intelligent part of the process.
Very often all it takes are some very simple (simple not easy) steps to get out of your own way, and avoid the famine altogether.

Like these:

 

Get grateful. Seriously. This step alone is life changing. List 5 things you are grateful for every day. Don't make a mental list. Write them down. I don't know exactly why it works, it just does.

Get consistent. If you're a writer, write, every day. Even if it's complete crap. It's a muscle. It atrophies with disuse. If you're a singer, sing; if you're a painter, paint; if you're a mommy, pour all your energy into creative parenting, if you're a bricklayer, lay some flippin' bricks! You don't get good at something by NOT doing it.


Meditate. That's right, I said meditate. You don't have to go out and study under Deepak Chopra or anything (although, if you have the means, it's not a bad idea). Just spend 15-30 minutes a day getting still.  Be still and listen. Stop texting and listen. Shut your mouth and listen. Stop tweeting and listen. Stop posting on Facebook and listen. Hang up the phone and listen. Be still, and listen. Let the relentless chatter of busy-ness flow out, so something real and inspiring can flow in. You'll be amazed. Promise.

Surrender. You don't have to be religious or spiritual. Just allow for the possibility that maybe, there's something out there bigger than yourself that wants you to succeed as much or more than you do. Just show up for the work and get out of your own way.


It's good to be back.
It's the Second Act of my Second Act.

Here. We. Go.

Resolutions Schmesolutions...

Hello! Happy New Year!!

I know it's popular to make New Year's Resolutions and I'm all for setting goals. 
That said, haven't resolutions become kind of a symbolic promise that you know that you probably won't keep?
On  January 1st, we're all going to lose 10 pounds, stop smoking, stop nail biting, volunteer, go to the gym, etc. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) which usually lasts until about January 15th, optimistically.

I'd like to offer an alternative, which is forming a plan to achieve what you really, really, really, really want. (Yes, all four 'reallys' are necessary.)

What is it You Really, Really, Really, Really Want?

ok - So you've set a goal, or several. Fantastic!
Now let's build some legs under it so it can take off, running!
Is it what you really, really, really, really want?
Here's how to tell:

Really #1 = Passion
For a goal to succeed, it requires more than intellectual processing, more than muscle and sweat. To be consistent, day after day, requires an investment of emotion! Fire! Passion! It all boils down to love. If your goal is to lose weight - following through will require you to love YOU and your health more than the cheesecake. (Tough choice, I know!) If your goal is to build your sideline business, you have to love it enough to turn off the TV and spend your valuable leisure time nurturing it like the little baby creation it is. (This often includes sacrificing sleep!) If your goal is to get strong and fit you have to love your body (and your loved ones) enough to put down the cigs, go to the gym every day and work through the awkwardness, the sweat, the soreness and discomfort in order to be stronger and healthier for your life and your family. This can't be some "I should" obligation. This kind of passion requires true love. Love for yourself and your dreams. Knowing that you are worthy of a success filled, passionate, joyous LIFE, not just a flat-line existence. Passion.

Really #2 = Vision
 "He stood in the presence of God, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence those things that do not yet exist." Romans 4:17
Those are some powerful words. 
And I remember, as a teenager, the first time I read them, thinking: "That is an instruction." I know I sound like a broken record - but it has been made evident to me over and over again that we, as humans, are never given a vision, without being given the provision to "call into existence those things that do not yet exist." It's the very nature of the creative impulse. Heck, it's the original Creative impulse. Every great thing invented, written, composed, achieved was first conceived by someone with a very clear vision.
Wayne Dyer wrote a book called "You'll See it When You Believe It." Read that again. It's not a type-o. It's not backwards. So go ahead- see it. Get a detailed picture in your mind of what achievement of your goal looks like. Is it running a marathon? (Can you see yourself crossing the finish line, covered in sweat and feel how shaky your legs are?) Is it giving up your day job and making a living at your true calling? Is it buying a new home? (What does it look like? Can you smell the cedar lined walk-in closet?) Is it financial security? Call it up! Call it into existence in your mind as real as if it were already done. Feel the feelings of success. (see above section on passion) What does it feel like? Enjoy those triumphant feelings right now. Make it real in your imagination. It's your vision.

Really #3 = Mastery
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle
This is the nuts and bolts of it all. Mastery is really a poetic word for repetition. Athletes know all about this. All athletes have drills that they perform daily until their bodies find those movements to be second nature. Musicians run scales until they no longer have to think about where the notes are. Writer/Director Oliver Stone has a sign over his desk that reads: "“Writing equals ass plus chair.”  This is where your passion and vision must sustain you through the boring bit.  I always told my children when they were small - "You don't get good at something by NOT doing it."  So do it. Even if you suck. Especially if you suck. If you persist with passion and vision, you will succeed. It's like potty training - it really isn't important how long it takes you to get it. It is very important that you get it. If it's your goal - keep plugging away. Time is your friend.  
Really #4 = Surrender
This is a tough one for many many people. This surrender is not about giving up. It's about knowing that you have the passion, the vision and you are doing the work. It's about relinquishing the "how" of it all and letting success show up on its own terms and not necessarily dressed up like you thought it would be. Releasing the need to control outcomes and surrendering to the flow of energy allows abundance to show up. Relative to what we think, we ask our intuition what we need to do to manifest the intention we hold. Then honor the intuitive guidance we get. Here we need to understand that the intuitive guidance we get may not be in line with our preconceived notion but the direction we need to travel is correct. It will get us to our goal. Surrender, know you are worthy of all good things and trust your gut.

Real change doesn't have to be hard and scary. 

You just have to really, really, really, really want it. 

 

Happy, Joyous, Abundant New Year!

Get On the Path to a Work Life You Love

 “Love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life.”  ~Confucius

 True, that. But what if you don’t love your job? 

What if you are trudging through your work day because you have bills to pay, a family to support, loans to pay off? What then?

Well, then it would appear that you have some soul searching to do and a choice to make. 

In the grand scheme of things this sort of dilemma leaves one with a relatively simple choice. 

If you don’t love what you are doing you have two options: 

Change what you are doing or change how you think about what you are doing. 

(Hey, I said it was simple, I didn’t say it was easy! Nothing worth doing comes without a degree of difficulty, really.)

So how does one go about making this kind of life change? Make no mistake, it is a life change. As in: lifelong, creating new habits, following through, being really brave, life change! It’s a never ending process but let’s talk about some tools you can use right now to get you started down the path to a work life you love.

 

Purpose

 I believe that everyone has a calling, a purpose. Yes, you too. There is a reason you are here, at this time, with the gifts and talents that you possess. It’s becoming evident that more and more people are becoming conscious if this and asking themselves “Yes, but what is my purpose?” “How will I find it?” “What if I never find it?”  Rest assured if you are seeking, chances are your purpose will find you. But be aware, most times it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. Also, it almost always comes as a way for you to serve others using your particular gifts and talents. A good guiding question to ask is “How may I serve?” This is particularly important for management and executive staff. Too often leaders get so caught up in authority that they forget that their primary responsibility as a leader is to serve and to inspire those whom they lead. Taking a few moments in the beginning of your work day to reflect on how you can serve the day, your co-workers, and the project you’re working on, or even the company’s vision will start to shift how you see your purpose in your current job. Purpose is always tied to contribution. Always. Asking yourself about your contributions in your work is a great jumping off point.

Passion

 Still, if the job you are currently doing is an absolute soul-sucker and there’s no way you can see yourself happy doing it long term, then you need to start figuring out just what you were put on this earth to do.

OK – Let’s try this exercise: You just won the lottery for twelve gazillion dollars. You never have to worry about finances again. You’ve already bought the home of your dreams, the cars, the clothes, the shoes, the toys, the gadgets. You’ve taken every trip you’ve ever dreamed of and quite frankly, now you’re bored. What would you do for free?  Write it down, right now, without over-thinking, without censoring yourself. There are no wrong answers here.  What is the thing you can get up in the morning and do all day without stopping and still be joyous the whole time? It’s not the same as having an interest. Interests get old after awhile. You lose steam to pursue them. Really dig deep for the thing you would sweat all day long doing, every day, and love every minute of it. There can be more than one thing. You are a limitless being. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you. If you are a dancer who would rather be creating financial portfolios, if you are an professor who loves to build additions on to your house, if you are a call center employee who wakes up singing and dreams all day of being a singer, there is where your passion lives. And where passion lives, purpose lives right next door. Purpose is simply finding a way to do what you love the most, and then do it in service to others. When you do that, you’ve discovered your calling. Congratulations! Now, how can you incorporate this calling into your job and daily life right now? Maybe nursing is your goal, but you work in a corporate office. Can you contact HR and start a health and wellness initiative in your office? Get creative. If your purpose is to teach and you work at a supermarket, volunteer to train or mentor new employees! You get to act on your passion; you are acting in service to others and your employer gets an enthusiastic trainer. Win-Win-win!

Vision

 Ok – so you’ve figured out that you are in fact the world’s greatest untapped source of (insert passion and purpose here). Let’s say, for the sake of argument that you’ve decided your purpose is not best fulfilled by your present job as it presently exists. Good. You know something you don’t want and all knowledge is power. And let’s say you can’t exactly quit your job to go be a realtor or something due to financial responsibilities. Try this technique: Think from the end and then take a step. Thinking from the end means getting clear about your calling (see above) and then getting detailed about what that success looks like. Author Wayne Dyer has a method he uses when sitting down to write one of his many best sellers He gets the title of the book first. He then envisions the cover of his book: the font of the title, the picture on the cover, the bio on the back flap, all of it in great detail. Using this vision he calls his publisher and has them make a sample book jacket and send it to him. Upon receiving the sample, he wraps a random book in the jacket and sits it upright on his desk, in front of his face, as he writes. So as he is creating his vision (his book), it is already manifested, the finished product, complete, right in front of him. This is thinking from the end. The next part is taking a step, any step, even a baby step. Perhaps you enroll in realtor school at night. Maybe you take a dance class. Maybe you commit to writing non-stop for one hour, every day. Take a step and the Universe will conspire on your behalf to bring your vision to you. The best part: the Universe tends to dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever dream for yourself. Much bigger.

So let’s recap:

1. Everyone has a purpose, a reason they are here at this time with their particular talents.
2. The difference between a talent and a purpose is purpose is almost always in service to others.
3. Finding your true passion will lead you to your calling.
4. Envisioning fulfilling your purpose in detail will pull you forward.
5. Think from the end and then take a step. 

 

Skill Practice:

    

Write your Vision and then write your Mission Statement.

    ~Your Vision should start with the words: "I am..... "

    ~Your Mission Statement should start with the words: "I will..."

 

Now, be BRAVE and  1, 2, 3, ACT!!

 

“If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and endeavor to live the life which you have imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”   

~Henry David Thoreau

 

Guarding Your Vision

Vision.

Your vision.

What is it you want to manifest into the world?

Let’s brainstorm.

Be specific.

Is it your own restaurant, a book, a film, a family life, a business?

Is it traveling the world, living in a mansion, driving an Italian sports car, flying a jet?

What does it look like, feel like, smell like, sound like?

What is your vision for your best life?

Many people answer this question with “Well, my vision is just to get the bills paid on time, to get by.” Nope. Sorry, I’m going to have to call BS on that statement. That is not your vision. That is no one’s vision. That is simply the circumstances for which you and I and so many others have been conditioned to settle. There’s nothing wrong with paying the bills on time but that is only a stepping stone to your real vision. Think bigger. 

It’s ok – this is just between you and me. 

Actually this is just between you and you.

The importance of having a vision is in its power to move you. A vision will pull you forward. A vision will pull you out of depression. A vision will keep you going under the most grueling of circumstances. Don’t take my word for it. Pick up a copy of Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Reading that book is life changing. If you’re more of a movie buff, go and rent the gorgeous “La Vita e Bella” (Life is Beautiful).  The message is the same. Your vision is more powerful than your external circumstances. Your vision will keep you moving and pull you forward. So go ahead. Think big. Think HUGE.  Make a vision board. Put it on your Pinterest. Scrapbook it.  Journal about it. Your vision is only for you.

Let me say that again: Your vision is for you. Here’s a really cool thing about the Universe, God, Krishna, Louise, whatever you call your Source (for our purposes we’ll say God, because it’s the easiest to type). Pay attention now:

If God gives you the vision, God will give you the provision.
 

God is not going to send your provision through your sister’s vision, or your friend’s vision, or your mom’s vision of how it can be accomplished. Your vision is for you.

This means that after all the vision-creation and praying, you have to get up off your knees, get up off your ass and begin moving in the direction of your vision. The responsibility is yours. Take a course; get a part time job in your new field. You must do the thing that scares you. Do you know what happens if you don’t step out of your comfort zone? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.

That being said, you must also guard your vision. You don’t take a premature baby out of the womb or the incubator and show her to all and sundry. “Look! Look at this baby I’m incubating! When she’s all ready to be born, she’s going to be something!” You don’t expose your little baby-vision to all the germs and cooties and negativity that some people might rain down on her little head. She won’t survive, and then you’ll be heartbroken for the rest of your life. No, rather you guard her, protect her and only expose her to those whom you know for sure will nurture and protect your baby vision, just as you would. You get around those who will support your vision and help her grow until she is ready to be birthed into the world. Finding support is relatively easy in the information age – it’s a big internet out there, people- and if you have a vision, guaranteed someone out there has a similar one. Google it.

The flip-side of that is you must also protect your vision from what I like to call the “Crazymakers”. These are the people who will crap all over your vision, not because they don’t love you, (many of them will be your close friends and family) but because they just don’t get it, and that’s ok. Your vision is for you. It’s not for them; however your little baby vision must be protected from them at all costs. They are not in line with your vision for any number of reasons, usually traceable back to their own childhood programming and damage. Don’t be mad, it has nothing to do with you. Many Crazymakers are fearful that if you achieve your dreams they’ll be left behind; or it will point out to them how they gave up on their vision. Regardless, they come at you with their own agendas that have nothing to do with nurturing your vision. You must not expose your vision regularly to those who are not in line with its manifestation or it will die.
It. Will. Die.  Guarding it is your responsibility.

There are five types of toxic people that are absolute dream killers. I’m sure you know at least one of them. Some people are combinations of two or more of these types. If they’re in your family or circle of friends, by all means, love them, honor them, but for your own sake, don’t share your dream with them. Let them be dazzled when your dream manifests in all its glory.

The Complainer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you and other people. Nothing is ever his fault. He’s been cheated, mistreated, misunderstood and done wrong. And it’s everyone’s fault but his.

The Vampire
This is the needy person who constantly calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. Four words you’ll rarely hear her utter: “So, how are YOU?”

The Shamer
This person is hazardous to your health. Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit. The shamer will cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of you or your ideas, almost always in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and will try to convince you that this criticism is for your own good. His favorite saying is, “Well, I’m just being honest.” The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his. His agenda is to build himself up by embarrassing you.

 The Devil’s Advocate
This is the person who discounts or takes exception to everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and gains energy by finding fault with another’s position. It is really quite exhausting to have a conversation with this contentious person, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. Then you end up avoiding them out of plain old weariness.

The Town Crier
This person tries to create a sense of intimacy by talking with you about others, behind their backs. They want you to feel privileged to be “in the know”. The Town Crier gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you. Your inside stuff and more importantly, your vision, simply aren’t safe with this person.

Vision.

Your Vision.

What is it that you want to manifest into the world?

See it, feel it, smell it, touch it, taste it.
Most of all, protect it. 
It's your baby.

I will leave you today with an old, Italian joke:

A man goes everyday to church and kneels before the statue of St Francis of Assisi. “Francesco” he pleads, “Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”For weeks and weeks, he goes every day to the statue, and on his knees, begs:

“Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”

Finally after months of begging, St Francis comes to life, steps down off his pedestal and says to the man:
“My son, please, please, PLEASE…… buy a ticket!”

Your vision is your ticket.

Go get it.

Getting Un-Stuck

 "I'm too wornout."  "It's not allowed."  "I'm too scared." 

"Stuck in neutral."  "Stuck in a rut."  "Stuck on stupid."

OK, people, the stuck stops here!

  "I feel so stuck. I need to find a passion, but I just can't." 

About half of my friends say this regularly. They talk as if their passion was a lost item they could find by digging around in their psyches, like beachcombers with bad shorts, wearing dark socks and sandals, running about with metal detectors searching for treasure in the sand. Just for a moment, stop digging. Look at the ocean. Can you sense its inconceivable power, its vast, untamed, glorious fertility? Good. Now we've got us one of them-there metaphors, Buford. 

Passion—including the passion we feel within ourselves and therefore call "ours"—is not something we can grasp or possess but rather, a force of nature, connected to and influenced by things that extend far beyond any single person. Finding it isn't like shopping for the perfect bargain at the mall; it's like leaving the comfortable terrain of home behind us and throwing ourselves into the sea. Most of us avoid taking the plunge. We turn away from the ocean, ignoring the roar of breakers, refusing to notice how our hair prickles when we smell that salt water. Then we spend years looking for our "lost" passion in the sand of a grotesquely overpopulated place called the "Island of Yeah-But." ( I really, really, REALLY hate the phrase "Yeah-But") 

The Island of Yeah-But 

The "yeah" pushes us toward our dreams and goals; the "but" stops us dead in our tracks. Yeah-but prefaces infinite justifications (translation: excuses) for avoiding the things our hearts find compelling. Try this: The next time you hear yourself say "Yeah, but…,"ask yourself if you're describing a genuine obstacle that cannot be overcome or walked around. If not, do exactly what your Yeah-but keeps telling you not to do. Write that novel. Adopt a puppy from the pound. Speak up for that charity or cause. Keep the "yeah"and kick the "but." If this feels like the "BIG SCARY" and the way is still unclear, you may need to address the factors that trigger the Yeah-buts in the first place. It been my observation that in the areas where I'm feeling stuck, I'm probably feeling one of the Three Fs: fatigued, forbidden or fearful. 

Fatigue 

If your inner life is so blahzie-blah that you don't enjoy anything, or if you know what you love but find yourself stuck in Yeah-but excuses, ask yourself, "How old do I feel?" If the answer is "Really, really old," you're probably too tired to embark on a grand journey of pursuing your passion. Fatigue can cause an absence of physical desire (an exhausted body isn't programmed to run races or make babies), a loss of mental sharpness, and/or a flat emotional profile. (This is my personal kryptonite.)

 Sometimes I'm just plain tired. At times, this may reach the level of depression. One day, a couple of years ago, a co-worker trudged into my office, plopped into a chair, and said she was depressed—only she said it so slowly that I thought she said "deep rest." (AHA! A light bulb moment!!) In a way, this was accurate. Depression can be part of a general systems shutdown, meant to turn us toward healing. A tired body, a tired mind, a tired heart can't—and shouldn't—be passionate about anything but rest. So if you're exhausted, take care of YOU. Curl up with the kid or the cat and watch TV, sleep, read, sleep some more. Eventually, you'll wake up feeling like it's time to go for a walk, or get in the kitchen and cook something beautiful to the senses, or go to the gym, or pickup the pen and write or something. One important caveat: If you aren't feeling refreshed after a couple of weeks' rest, it's time to see a doctor. You may have a condition, such as a chemical imbalance, that can be alleviated only through professional care. (There, friends in the medical profession, are you happy? I'm being all responsible and stuff) 

Forbidden  

Often stuck people have learned through experience, example, or explicit instruction that passion is bad. You may feel stuck if your super-religious parents were always railing against sin or if your suave, intellectual,"trendier-than-thou" friends mock anyone who seems enthusiastic about anything. We'll do almost anything to avoid shame. To see whether you have been stripped of your passion by social judgment, complete the following sentences with whatever comes to mind:

*If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would..... 

*If I could be sure I'd do it right, I would..... 

If you thought of things you've never actually done, things that make you giggle with embarrassment, you're probably forbidding yourself. You've learned to expect negative judgments when you get passionate about something, so (consciously or unconsciously) you avoid intense feeling and anything that causes it. The tragic thing is that many people never realize there are places where they can jump in and swim with confidence. It's true that some social environments are vicious, but others are warm, accepting, loving. Think of the things that you'd do if they weren't forbidden. If they don't violate your own moral code, start doing them and for the love of Pete, DON'T go sharing this part of yourself with the people who would judge you. I call this not letting anyone crap on your parade! Protect your passion. It's yours. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't. I've watched incredulously as dozens of friends and co-workers who are just getting unstuck seek support from the very people who got them stuck in the first place. They confide in their militantly atheist friends about their call to the ministry, or tell their pessimistic, puritanical mother that all they want to do with their life is DANCE! Don't make this mistake. You know what the sharks look like, and the places they lurk. Avoid them. Instead share your passion with the folks who are most likely to support you. In doing so, you'll add social approval to the inherent joy doing what you are called to do—and it will feel fabulous. 

Fearful 

An acquaintance of mine is a gorgeous, intelligent, girl preparing to ask for a promotion at her job. The pressure triggered a whole bunch of fears she had suffered since she was the youngest child of a severely disapproving father. She began to replace healthy behaviors with eating binges, and she started gaining weight while losing confidence. (Any woman will tell you that sudden weight gain, no matter how minuscule, is a confidence killer). She talked to me, a bit about her fear (we don't know each other that well). This helped her get a handle on her fear, but didn't eliminate it. Why? Because she really, really cared about getting that job, and there was a good chance she'd fail, and that was super-scary to her. Period. To get unstuck,we are compelled to take this kind of risk, fearful or not. Waiting to feel brave so that you can act brave? Oh no. So sorry, but thanks for playing. The only way to develop courage is to act brave regardless of the level of fear you are experiencing. In my acquaintance's case, this meant doing two things every day: nurturing that scared little girl inside her, and getting that scared little girl to do the kind of job that gets her noticed, to put herself out there. It's called the soft-heart, hard-ass approach. If you're stuck, I'd advise you to adopt it. Care for your heart by soothing it, but follow your dreams even when you're scared. Make friends with the fear that tells you you're doing something real and important, that you're breaking out of your comfort zone. By feeling the fear and doing something, anything to move you towards your dream anyway, you do risk failure—but you will still get unstuck, often in ways you never expected. 

How Many "Do-Overs" Does One Get?

Seriously. 
This is a question I get from people all the time. I also ask myself this question pretty consistently.
I sometimes feel like a serial re-starter and that makes me ask myself,  "What does this say about me?"
Apparently, I'm not alone. 
This blog, and the response I get to it from you guys, is evidence that I'm not alone. 
There are books on the New York Times Best Seller list that tell me I'm not alone.
The questions that I've heard most often, about do-overs, are usually some version of the following:

"I've had two true loves in my life. That's more than most people get. Do you think I've had my shot? Do you think there is a quota on true love, and I've hit mine?"

"I really hate my job, but this is the third career change I've attempted. If I make a move everyone will think I'm a slacker or that I lack commitment. Should I just suck it up and stick it out?"

"I feel like I'm not making any progress, as if life is passing me by. Again. Why do I keep getting stuck?"


Herein is my considered opinion on this topic. 
Bear in mind, it is my opinion. I am not a doctor (although I will play one on TV if asked).

Love:  How many "love do-overs" do you get? I feel pretty strongly on this topic. As many as it takes. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that teaches there is only one "soul mate" per person and if you miss that person, well, you're just out of luck. I, personally, have many soul mates and only one of them is my lover. I have had three "Prince Charmings" in my life and I will not negate two of those loves because they are not the current one. I will love all three of those men on some level until the day I die. I think the lesson I've gotten from falling on my face (more than a few times) in the love department is this: Love is a verb. It is what you do. It is not a feeling. The feelings are, passion, infatuation, amity, congruence, friendship, affection, but love is a verb. Love is holding someones hair while they throw up. Love is letting someone cry snot balls into your favorite shirt while you hold them. Love is not saying the hateful thing you're thinking just because you're irritated right now. Love is acting loving even when you're not feeling the loving feelings. Love is getting up in the middle of the night and doing what needs to be done for the sick kid or the sick partner. Love is being as committed to the other person's growth as you are to your own, even if that means setting them free. Love is walking away with grace and goodwill when you can do no more good or your love is no longer wanted. I'll say it a third time: Love is a verb. It has no limits. It is not a finite quantity. It is the Universe in action. It's only parameters are the ones we make up. 

Career: This is a tough one. I believe each of us has a purpose, a calling. We are all here for a purpose and when we find that purpose we know. It's the thing that doesn't feel like work. It's the thing we do that we start at 7 am, realize at some point that we're hungry, look up, and realize it's 7 pm. I know one part of my calling is to be a teacher. I've taken a teaching role in many of my friendships, relationships and most of my career choices, quite organically. To this day, when I want to learn something, I process it or break it down as if I were teaching it to someone else. 
That said, we have to factor in circumstances. We have bills to pay, children to raise, retirements to secure. So it's necessary for most of us to have a job while we search for and figure out how to monetize our purpose. Non-calling related jobs can teach us valuable tools to that purpose, specifically: business skills, people skills, organization, time management, and discipline. Let's face it, your boss doesn't want to hear that you "aren't feeling it today" and that same discipline should apply when YOU are your boss. So if you hate your job, you have two choices. Change what you are doing OR change how you think about what you are doing. When you start looking at aspects of your "day gig" as teaching tools to push you forward and teach you skills that will manifest your "dream gig" then it becomes a stepping stone to success rather than a brick wall. Perspective is reality, people.

Progress: The fact that one is asking the question, "Why am I not progressing?" is a great sign. Do you know how many people live a life of  "getting by" and are sure there is nothing more? Many. Too Many. I think it is important to know that you are here for a purpose. I think it is imperative to seek that purpose, however long it takes for you to find it. 
It is my opinion that the number one reason people get stuck is fear. Plain, old fear. We are conditioned to conform. We dread others saying the following about us: "You can't do that, are you crazy?" "There's no money in that, you'll starve." "Well if you do that, I'm done with you." "I'd like to support you, but I don't think you should live your life that way." "You're not good enough to make a living that way!"  or my personal favorite, "Just who do you think you are?"
Those statements will facilitate stuck-ded-ness for sure, but I think the fear of those statements is far more insidious. Those statements take root because at some level we believe them to be true. Therefore conquering that fear is an inside job. It requires telling yourself daily, in many different ways, that you ARE good enough. To feel the fear and act anyway is to kick the fear to the curb.One must take those statements (and they will come your way if you are doing something even a little out of the ordinary) and turn them into fuel for your engine. This alone is a sign of progress, so celebrate it! People who are not following their bliss are generally resentful of those who are. Why not make it your mission to inspire them otherwise?


I am inspired by Bishop TD Jakes in a lot of ways, but particularly his talk on "Living on Purpose". Don't be put off, if you're not one to listen to preachers. This man has a message for everyone. Check it out:

     

To answer the title question, "How Many 'Do-Overs' Does One Get?" 

 

As many as you need to get to your purpose, your life's work, your calling and your bliss. 

 

Every breath you take is a chance to start over.

 

Are you breathing?

 

Good.