Procrastination - Why Do We Do It? And How Do We STOP!?

 

And haven't we all been Scarlet O'Hara at some point or another?

"I'll write that paper tomorrow." 

"I have three whole days before that report is due." 

"I'll just watch one episode of Orange is the New Black." 

"OK , OK right after I watch all my friends' Snapchat stories." 

"I'll just check my Facebook for a minute."

"After all, tomorrow is another day..."

The situation becomes dire when we put on the hoop skirt and take up residence at Tara permanently.

As a serial procrastinator, I embarked upon a journey to discover what makes people (me) procrastinate and how to kick the "I'll get to it later" demon to the proverbial curb.

Here's what I discovered at the shallow end of the pool:
According to Tuckman, Abry, and Smith, there are key reasons why people procrastinate:

1. Not knowing what needs to be done
2. Not knowing how to do something
3. Not caring if it gets done or not
4. Not caring when something gets done
5. Not feeling in the mood to do it
6. Being in the habit of waiting until the last minute
7. Believing that you work better under pressure
8. Thinking that you can finish it at the last minute
9. Lacking the initiative to get started
10. Blaming sickness or poor health
11. Waiting for the right moment
12. Needing time to think about the task
13. Delaying one task in favor of working on another   

Those are all plausible, if superficial reasons for procrastination, the symptoms, if you will.
I was after the causes, the root beliefs that would make someone engage in a behavior that is nothing but destructive. I found a zillion explanations. Once I'd weeded out the BS excuses, and the over simplified, overly judgemental answers, here are the top three causes of chronic procrastination, in my opinion:

1.  Family -Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling parent keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances. What's more, under those household conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support, and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses.
2.  Fear - This tends to fall into two categories.
   • The avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success, but in either case are very concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
   •  The decisional procrastinators, who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events 
3. Medical/Clinical diagnosis - Some very real conditions are co-indicated with chronic procrastination, ADHD, OCD, anxiety and clinical depression included. In addition to medical treatment for these conditions, more and better time management tools and repetition are absolutely crucial to overcoming procrastination based on chemical imbalance.

 BONUS:

 

 The apostrophe...um, I mean EPIPHANY is this:
Very often when we are procrastinating, our subconscious is telling us that we are engaged in a task, a job, a relationship, that we actually DO NOT WANT. On any level. We tell ourselves lies like, "Oh well, everyone has to do things they don't want to do.", while our soul screams out for us to change.

Chronic procrastination is a result of being in one of two states: Fear or rebellion. (whether conscious or unconscious). We are either afraid, be it of success or failure, or we are in rebellion against something our subconscious is rejecting. People who are engaging in this behavior are not lazy, crazy, stupid or uncaring.

So How Do We STOP?

First - beating yourself up is not useful. That can bring on fear paralysis which only exacerbates the problem. Not to mention, other people are probably already beating  you up enough. "You're so smart, if only you applied  yourself!" 
(Every kid who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD recognizes that old chestnut.)

Some suggestions for breaking the habit:

• Recognize that change is a process and understanding your own MO is crucial. Why are you uncomfortable about digging into a project or changing your behavior? Write down the reasons.
• You know yourself. What diversions or Scarlet O'Hara behaviors do you usually adopt?
• Then question those. If you say "later is better," ask yourself why. And why do you need to be better to do this? Save the better state for a better task. You need to recognize the BS story you tell yourself!
• When you feel actual physical resistance, when every bone in your body is resisting the task, force yourself to put one foot in front of the other. This is similar to overcoming irrational fears.
• Break up the task into chunks. Do one a day. If it's your taxes, call the accountant one day. Then find all the income statements the next. Then divide the receipts into categories the next. And so on. I always feel I can do anything for five minutes. So maybe set a timer. Once you start, you'll find that you go over five minutes and may finish the job.
• Gain support and accountability.  Set up a buddy system. This increases your chances of doing the task. Just be sure to choose someone supportive and positive for your accountability buddy.
• If you feel the physical sensations of resistance- make it a "must do now" priority.
• Set a reward for yourself once the job is done.

If every bone in your body is still screaming NO? 
Ask yourself if, in the end, this is something you need to do.
Sometimes you need to delegate.

 

Repost: 3 Radical Steps to Managing Radical Change

Repost- I first wrote this three years ago -
I thought it needed a revisit.


So, you've had a radical change in your life.
You lost your job.
Your relationship ended.
You've relocated and have no new support system.
(Insert your big change here)
 And you feel ...unwell... scared... lost....just wrecked.
Now what?

As easy as it would be to make a permanent date with Ben and Jerry and hole yourself up literally and figuratively from all of humanity forever... I think we both know that isn't a viable option, long term. So enjoy your Chunky Monkey, mourn what it is that you have lost, and when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired...Get Radical!

 

 

 

3 Radical Steps to Managing Radical Change

 

1. Radical Self Care

You have to start with the basics. You've been dealt a big blow by life and you are allowed to care for yourself.  More than that, it is imperative that you care for yourself. You are in the process of refilling the well and it happens on no one's timetable but yours.

The very first thing that can help is to set healthy boundaries. Because you lost your job does NOT mean that you are now available to babysit everyone's children, walk their dogs, house sit or clean their closets. Because you are now single does not mean that you are to be set up with everyone's cousin/brother/best friend. Because you are going through a change does not mean you have to listen to, or take on others' opinions or judgements of you and your situation.  "No" is not a four letter word. Keep close those unconditional supporters in your life and let everyone else know you are in a rebuilding phase.

Radical care of the body is key. As much as we are all lovers of Ben and Jerry, sooner or later one must break up with them and start to feed yourself. Well. You are fueling the vehicle you use to move through life, and there is no trade-in option. Get a tune up with your doctor. Exercise for health AND sanity. Multiple studies have shown regular exercise to be as good or better than antidepressants in relieving mild to moderate depression. Take care of you in the most basic way first.

Radical emotional care means you have to change your self-talk. If you are not nice to you, who will be? This does not mean caving in and affirming every little emotion that comes along. Remember, your habitual self talk probably isn't very kind to you right now. Specifically, "I've failed. I'm not good enough. I'll never find love. I'm never going to make new friends.Things like this always happen to me." and the like. Catch yourself in this self talk and ask yourself - "Is this really true?" Then flip the script. You haven't failed unless you've stopped trying for anything. You gained valuable lessons from this experience. If nothing else, you know what doesn't work. You won't find love or new friends? Honey, there are seven billion people here on Planet Earth. Surely some of them will have an affinity for you and vice versa. Perhaps widening your scope would be a good idea. Things like this always happen to you? Do you lose a job every single day? Do you leave a relationship every day? Are you relocating daily? Hardly. So these things don't always happen to you, do they? Start talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. "Beloved, this is just a set back, a minor glitch in the grand scheme of your life. Your loss was only to make way for something bigger, better and more fulfilling that the Universe has in store for you! Get excited!" (At least, that's what I would say to my best friend.) Give yourself a break.

 

2. Radical Action

Once you have replenished your resources a bit, it's time for radical action. You will know when that time comes by a relentless restlessness, by ideas waking you up in the middle of the night, by a need for movement.

Radical action is different for each of us. For some it is going out there and getting another, better job. For others it is signing up for a dating sight. For me it was restructuring my life so as not to work 9-5, to pursue my art while finding ways to make ends meet using my art. For some it's leaving absolutely everything behind and starting from scratch. It really doesn't matter what the radical action is, as long as it breaks the habitual pattern. Remember the old saying "If all you ever do is what you've always done; all you'll ever get is what you've always gotten." Get fearless. Challenge yourself. Step out of the comfort zone. Recognize that what looks like happiness to you may not match what's considered "normal" by your friends and family. Get OK with being perceived as different or eccentric or even the 'bad guy'. This is your journey. At the end of the day the only perception you have to live with is yours. Be aware that 'security' is an illusion. Any one of us, in a moment, could lose everything or face a life-changing event that was completely unforeseeable. Embrace uncertainty, make it a friend, and then you can begin to manage your reactions to the unforeseeable in a positive way.

 

3. Radical Surrender

There's that word again. Surrender. This doesn't mean giving up. It means freeing yourself from worrying about things you never had control over in the first place. It means forgiving people, not because what they did was OK, only that you'd rather not carry the burden of resentment anymore for something that's already in the past. It means detaching from outcomes and just giving yourself over to the work, the relationship, the journey and having faith that where you end up will be precisely where you were supposed to end up. Relinquish the desire to make others respond or behave the way you think they should. They are on their own journey, with their own lessons to learn. It is not your business to dictate their steps. As I've said for many years, "You can't tell grown people what to do." Your only decision is whether to walk with them or not. If not, send them love and light and let your paths diverge.

Just let go. You don't have to drive everyone's bus.
Finally, get grateful. Gratitude and depression cannot occupy the same space. When you start looking around for things to be grateful for in life, guess what happens? More things for which to be grateful start to show up. And it grows exponentially. You don't have to believe me, try it for 30 days, it will prove itself to you.

Before you know it, you will find yourself in a brand new place, perhaps one you never expected to see. And you will be able to say, as my friend Judie said today, "No matter what the future holds, I will greet it with open arms and be the best person I can be." 

Thanks Judie, for inspiring today's post. You are my Ambassador of Rad.

2014 Post-Mortem...and Forward Motion

So I didn't name last year.
2012 was the Year of Making.
2013 was the Year of Manifesting/Publishing
I didn't name last year.


I think, partly as a result of being nameless, last year was a haphazard whirlwind of big changes. If I had to name 2014 retroactively, I think it might have been the Year of Mayhem. I wasn't entirely unfocused but my focus was rather like a light house beam, spinning around in a spiral to highlight different things at different times. As a result, everything changed in 2014, just not in any kind of linear fashion. 

 Everything changed. 

My residence- a significant upgrade. And I now live alone, which has its pros and cons, but for the most part, works beautifully for me. My job - In addition to my writing, I now manage a rad team of beauties who make the world more beautiful - and more importantly, help women realize their own unique beauty.  My children are wonderfully successful and happy in the main. I wrote and performed a cabaret that I am developing into a one woman show.  I played Marie Lombardi (wife of legendary football coach Vince Lombardi) on stage, as well as the comic book villain version of myself on another stage. I became a BeachBody coach and committed to helping other people be/stay healthy.  There's still a part of me that whispers in my ear - "You haven't done enough, accomplished enough." What's enough, I wonder? What did I miss?

-I didn't write every day. I wrote, but writing is like water - if you want it to flow, you have to turn on the faucet regularly. I had some self-inflicted plumbing issues in 2014. 
-I didn't care for my health properly. I turned 50 in September. And while I'm pretty fit, I didn't take care of some important baseline medical stuff. 
- I let sporadic time management derail some important progress, and allowed myself too much tech distraction. 

So let's name 2015... The Year of Motion.
Forward Motion- not haphazardly,  but rather on purpose.

Part of that is going to be blogging more. In the past I have focused on blogging about things to help others. If something inspired me, I'd pass it along in the hopes of inspiring someone else.  The funny thing about that is the things that actually inspired people were almost always different than my expectation. It was a continual surprise.
So I'm just going to tell my stories. Tell my truth. And continue to be surprised by what moves people.  Forward motion.

Another move forward will be to protect my health better. Get my behind to the doc's more often and get my important testing done (mammogram and colonoscopy etc.) Because all the fitness in the world can't cure cancer.

The final vehicle for motion is better time management.  
Less distraction, more presence. 
Being here, now. 
Doing the work in front of me. 
Not forecasting or projecting. 
Not rehashing the past. 
Just gifting myself and others with my mindful presence.

Here's to 2015!

The Year of Motion!

Fabulous and Fit is a Lifestyle!

Some of you may already know that I've become a coach over at Team BeachBody! 
I decided to do this because there is an underserved market of people who want an intense work out, with intense results but may not want to go to a gym. I personally love to lift, but prefer to sweat in private when it's at all possible. So if you want to get fit together, and want it personalized for YOU; you should probably get in touch. I'd love to help.
Just click HERE to contact me about coaching.

We're all grown ups here and let's be honest. Most of us work out because the alternative is sagging, bagging, bloating and feeling like crap. 
Nobody likes that. 
Gravity is the enemy.

That said, once fitness becomes a part of your life you discover that endorphins are as addictive as any other 'feel good' substance. Yes, including Oreos and wine.
On the days you don't work out you feel sluggish, restless and just "off". 

So how do you get to this state of endorphin bliss if the thought of going to the gym every day makes you want to hide under the covers and never come out?
That's easy.
Don't go to the gym.
I can hear the cries of "Blasphemer!" coming from my fitness addicted friends already.

 
The reality is, all you need to be fit is a good pair of shoes and a real desire to be fit. There's no magic at a gym, other than the fact that things are a bit more convenient there. I mean all that equipment in one place and all. 

 But I see really fit people doing things like flipping truck tires, running marathons and scaling cliff sides with nary a gym in sight. They do however, all have really good shoes.

Once you have the shoes, then really all it takes, as author Tony Robbins says, is the three S's 

 The right Strategy, Story and State.

Strategy - Well really, this is the easiest of the three. You don't need me to outline a strategy for you, there is certainly no shortage. You can easily open any magazine, turn on your TV, or go to one of the zillion websites devoted to getting you fit. (But since I love ya and for your convenience, I will link a few below) If you hate the idea of a gym, there are martial arts and kick boxing classes that meet outside, there are hiking clubs, you can get a bicycle, do yoga in your living room, dance in your kitchen, run around the block or walk the mall (where it's always 70 degrees and the people are nice!).  Beach Body offers a plethora of programs to suit any style and fitness level right in your own home. You just press play. Quite frankly, all you need is to do something, anything, that makes you breathe hard and sweat for one hour a day. (Yes, sex counts too!) The most basic activity is also one of the most effective: Just walk as if you are late, for an hour a day. You can do that anywhere. Strategy? Check.

Story- Ah, this is where it gets a little trickier. Because we all have a story. The most common are "I don't have enough" stories. I don't have enough time, money, energy, I'm not healthy enough to exercise, whatever. The kicker is, those may be absolutely true facts. But the facts are less important that the story you tell yourself about those facts.
Story:"I've tried everything". Really? Everything? Is that really a true statement? When I question people on what they've tried what I usually find out is they've tried the same three things, that don't work, over and over. That is not trying everything. That's being stuck in your story. A new story you could tell yourself would be "I'm going to try one new thing a week until I find something that works for me."
Story: "I don't have time." We all have the same twenty four hours in a day. That's a fact. The new story you could tell yourself is "I'm going to set aside one, just one, of those hours to take care of this body, since it's the only one I get."
Story:"I don't have enough money." I think we've already clarified that all you really need is a pair of shoes. Pretty cost effective. Money isn't even a story. It's an excuse.

I would like to suggest to you that you state the facts, but then tell yourself a different story about those facts.

Here are some links that will illustrate what I'm talking about:

Walking to Heal Body and Soul

I Promise to be Fit by 50

Ernestine Started Fitness at 56, now at 75 is the World's Oldest Bodybuilder

These people told themselves a different story, an empowering story. And so can you. Enough said.

State- This is the most important "S".  You can't plan a successful strategy or tell yourself an empowering story if you are in a crappy emotional state. To quote Tony Robbins: "The psychological and emotional state we are in at any moment in time tends to shape our story. We all develop emotional patterns—moods—that filter how we look at our lives. The states we go into most often then become the most powerful filter of all. This filter determines whether or not we find the strategies necessary to succeed and whether or not we come up with a story that will empower us."  So how does one change a crappy state? In this case, it may seem like we need to put the cart before the horse. Because the fact is that motion creates emotion. For example: Did you ever say to yourself, "I really don't feel like working out today, I'm tired, I'm hungry, Can't I just sit down and eat a cookie?" (disempowering story) and then you say to yourself, "Ok, maybe I'll just walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes, just  so I don't have to feel guilty about the cookie." So you put on some upbeat music and trudge your tired, hungry self over to the treadmill. Amazingly, once the 15 minutes has passed, Lo and Behold, you do another 15, then another and you end up feeling fantastic. And the story you're now telling yourself is, "I'm fabulous. I bet I could eat TWO cookies now but I won't because I don't want to undo all my hard work."  Congratulations, you've changed your state.

 
 Only after your state and story are truly aligned with your desired outcomes can you identify the strategies and make the decisions that will lead you to success. One moment is all it takes: With a new state, a new story and a new strategy, life will never be the same again.

 

 
I would add two S's to Mr. Robbins', when talking specifically about fitness:

 Shoes - We've covered this, but let me reiterate. This is the only basic tool you need, so don't get stingy. Buy the best shoes you can afford for the activities that interest you. Cross-trainers are a good all purpose choice to start out.  Your knees and ankles will thank you.
 
Supplements- Let's face it - we're Second Actors, we're not kids anymore. The supplements that I take and that I am comfortable recommending are:

• A good multivitamin- this is essential for anyone of any age. 
• Shakeology -  I know you have no time. If you're grabbing a bagel or donut and coffee on the fly (and let's be honest, who isn't?), this is a supercharged alternative. It's yummy. It's filling. It won't make you sluggish or have a sugar crash like that donut and coffee will.  Do yourself a favor. Seriously. 
• Estroven - for those of you who, like me, are experiencing that special joy that is perimenopause and don't wish to go the hormone replacement route
• SeroVital-hgh - This is a series of amino acids that cause your pituitary gland to release your own natural human growth hormone at the levels it did when you were younger. It's really worked for me and has changed my life.

Please be responsible and consult your doctor before taking ANY supplement.
 
Here are the links I promised:

Team BeachBody (P90x, Insanity, HipHop Abs, Piyo, et al)
HasFit - Free online workouts
Yoga 
CrossFit Workout of the Day (WOD) 

 Now get out there and show everyone how we Second Actors roll!

Get Real.

OR

How Being Less Than 100% Authentic Can Kill Your Mojo

 

I'm a pretty authentic chick, for the most part.
That said, when I love somebody I morph into a somewhat "permeable membrane", to quote Elizabeth Gilbert.  I so want to give my beloved - be it friend, children, or lover -  everything that would make them happy that I frequently land myself in the poorhouse, emotionally and literally.
I don't like to think of myself as a people pleaser and I'm not exactly being inauthentic....it's just that I leave out the ugly bits sometimes. I've historically let it go when my needs or boundaries aren't honored.  It's not worth fighting about.


Except that it is.
Worth fighting for, that is.
Now, I am fortunate that I have some real and true friends who will call me on this behavior when they catch it. Thank god for that. When my core group tells me "Your light is going out." "You've lost your mojo." and the fatal "I didn't want to say anything but..." I know it's time to act.
To dig deep and get real.
So I dig. I excavate and dust off all the stuff that I've buried down in the dirt and the muck in order to keep everyone's life pretty.



Do you know what happens then?
Honesty. I vomit hardcore, brutal honesty like I spent the last night on a Jack Daniels bender. It's not pretty. It frequently stinks. It can be really, quite awful. But it purges me. It cleanses me of the fakery and forces me to be 100 percent authentic. Afterward I feel lightened, relieved... the way throwing up is a relief after hours and hours of sweaty nausea. And then everyone says "Thank God, you're back".

There has to be a better way.

 So I'm trying the following three things.

 

1. Tell the unvarnished truth. - Even when it's hard and scary. Even when it hurts like hell.

2. Insist on boundaries being respected. -  By everyone. All the time. No exceptions.

3. Do not engage in toxic conversations. - Nope. Not at all.  Kindly say "I'm not doing this with you" and walk away.

I figure taking these three steps along with my daily meditation and spiritual practice will keep me from allowing myself to violate my Self.

What is your check and balance for keeping yourself on track and 100% authentic?
Feel free to comment below.

Namaste.

Limitless (poetic reboot)

The challenge was to pen a poem with the first words "I am..."
Here's mine.
Please feel free to add yours in the comments below!


Limitless

I am
a mighty creator, a music maker,
an illusory truth teller.
I am too pretty to feel this mean
and too abundant to lack the cash, the flow I desire.
I can make you feel things
and I choose to make you feel
as if you can fly without wings.
I choose to inspire you,
to require you to think
about where you are and whence you shall fly.
My purpose is divine,
to shine a light
on your gorgeousness, your delicious uniqueness,
your fearless quest to be...

divinity.

I am a bringer of words to light,
a singer of songs so bright
that to stand in their tide
is to let love wash over you
like a dream of waterfalls and sun rays.
I tell truths you try to hide.
Why?
Because your dreams frighten the lesser part of you,
the part that has tricked you
into thinking that this is all that you are?
I am a trumpet call
announcing your greatness,
renouncing the lies that kept you
fearful and tired.

I am the drum, the different drum
to which you can march
in order to get to the top
of your own pinnacle, miracle,
dream of dreams.

I am
a mother, a lover, a daughter, a sinner, a sage,
a maiden, a crone,
a limitless creature of pure radiance;
here to tell you that you, also,
are this.
Limitless.

Repost: Guarding Your Vision

This is a repost from October 2012 that I very much needed to revisit.
Thought perhaps some of you may need a reminder as well.
Namaste.



Vision.

Your vision.

What is it you want to manifest into the world?

Let’s brainstorm.

Be specific.

Is it your own restaurant, a book, a film, a family life, a business?

Is it traveling the world, living in a mansion, driving an Italian sports car, flying a jet?

What does it look like, feel like, smell like, sound like?

What is your vision for your best life?

Many people answer this question with “Well, my vision is just to get the bills paid on time, to get by.” Nope. Sorry, I’m going to have to call BS on that statement. That is not your vision. That is no one’s vision. That is simply the circumstances for which you and I and so many others have been conditioned to settle. There’s nothing wrong with paying the bills on time but that is only a stepping stone to your real vision. Think bigger. 

It’s ok – this is just between you and me. 

Actually this is just between you and you.

The importance of having a vision is in its power to move you. A vision will pull you forward. A vision will pull you out of depression. A vision will keep you going under the most grueling of circumstances. Don’t take my word for it. Pick up a copy of Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Reading that book is life changing. If you’re more of a movie buff, go and rent the gorgeous “La Vita e Bella” (Life is Beautiful).  The message is the same. Your vision is more powerful than your external circumstances. Your vision will keep you moving and pull you forward. So go ahead. Think big. Think HUGE.  Make a vision board. Put it on your Pinterest. Scrapbook it.  Journal about it. Your vision is only for you.

Let me say that again: Your vision is for you. Here’s a really cool thing about the Universe, God, Krishna, Louise, whatever you call your Source (for our purposes we’ll say God, because it’s the easiest to type). Pay attention now:

If God gives you the vision, God will give you the provision.
 

God is not going to send your provision through your sister’s vision, or your friend’s vision, or your mom’s vision of how it can be accomplished. Your vision is for you.

This means that after all the vision-creation and praying, you have to get up off your knees, get up off your ass and begin moving in the direction of your vision. The responsibility is yours. Take a course; get a part time job in your new field. You must do the thing that scares you. Do you know what happens if you don’t step out of your comfort zone? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.

That being said, you must also guard your vision. You don’t take a premature baby out of the womb or the incubator and show her to all and sundry. “Look! Look at this baby I’m incubating! When she’s all ready to be born, she’s going to be something!” You don’t expose your little baby-vision to all the germs and cooties and negativity that some people might rain down on her little head. She won’t survive, and then you’ll be heartbroken for the rest of your life. No, rather you guard her, protect her and only expose her to those whom you know for sure will nurture and protect your baby vision, just as you would. You get around those who will support your vision and help her grow until she is ready to be birthed into the world. Finding support is relatively easy in the information age – it’s a big internet out there, people- and if you have a vision, guaranteed someone out there has a similar one. Google it.

The flip-side of that is you must also protect your vision from what I like to call the “Crazymakers”. These are the people who will crap all over your vision, not because they don’t love you, (many of them will be your close friends and family) but because they just don’t get it, and that’s ok. Your vision is for you. It’s not for them; however your little baby vision must be protected from them at all costs. They are not in line with your vision for any number of reasons, usually traceable back to their own childhood programming and damage. Don’t be mad, it has nothing to do with you. Many Crazymakers are fearful that if you achieve your dreams they’ll be left behind; or it will point out to them how they gave up on their vision. Regardless, they come at you with their own agendas that have nothing to do with nurturing your vision. You must not expose your vision regularly to those who are not in line with its manifestation or it will die.
It. Will. Die.  Guarding it is your responsibility.

There are five types of toxic people that are absolute dream killers. I’m sure you know at least one of them. Some people are combinations of two or more of these types. If they’re in your family or circle of friends, by all means, love them, honor them, but for your own sake, don’t share your dream with them. Let them be dazzled when your dream manifests in all its glory.

The Complainer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you and other people. Nothing is ever his fault. He’s been cheated, mistreated, misunderstood and done wrong. And it’s everyone’s fault but his.

The Vampire
This is the needy person who constantly calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. Four words you’ll rarely hear her utter: “So, how are YOU?”

The Shamer
This person is hazardous to your health. Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit. The shamer will cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of you or your ideas, almost always in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and will try to convince you that this criticism is for your own good. His favorite saying is, “Well, I’m just being honest.” The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his. His agenda is to build himself up by embarrassing you.

 The Devil’s Advocate
This is the person who discounts or takes exception to everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and gains energy by finding fault with another’s position. It is really quite exhausting to have a conversation with this contentious person, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. Then you end up avoiding them out of plain old weariness.

The Town Crier
This person tries to create a sense of intimacy by talking with you about others, behind their backs. They want you to feel privileged to be “in the know”. The Town Crier gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you. Your inside stuff and more importantly, your vision, simply aren’t safe with this person.

Vision.

Your Vision.

What is it that you want to manifest into the world?

See it, feel it, smell it, touch it, taste it.
Most of all, protect it. 
It's your baby.

I will leave you today with an old, Italian joke:

A man goes everyday to church and kneels before the statue of St Francis of Assisi. “Francesco” he pleads, “Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”For weeks and weeks, he goes every day to the statue, and on his knees, begs:

“Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”

Finally after months of begging, St Francis comes to life, steps down off his pedestal and says to the man:
“My son, please, please, PLEASE…… buy a ticket!”

Your vision is your ticket.

Go get it.

Get Aligned With Your Best Life

I used to work in corporate training and sales management. It was a good gig. It helped me raise my family. It allowed me to hold the fort while my children were growing up and needed the stability of little things like a paycheck and health insurance. It taught me that one of my callings, if not my biggest calling in life, is to inspire others. It brought me into daily fellowship with some extraordinary people. So why am I no longer doing that?
One word: alignment. 

As much as I loved those with whom I worked and aspects of my various corporate jobs; there was always a vague restlessness, a feeling that I was waiting, impatient for my real work to begin. I was hopelessly out of alignment.

You see, I am not someone who will ever feel aligned in a cubicle. I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a creative person. Now that I need be a fort-holder no longer, I align myself with my purpose and passion. I use the tools my corporate life gave me to be a better writer, a better artist and a more complete me. I am aligned.
Well, most of the time, anyway.

Do not make the mistake of underestimating alignment and its importance in our lives. How many of us even bother to consider the state of our physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual alignment? We know when our cars are out of alignment, we start drifting off the road, and have to constantly, manually readjust to “stay in our lane”. Sometimes, we grip the steering wheel tightly, white-knuckled; thinking that it may help us stay “aligned”. In fact, what we really need to do is to check the tire pressure and wear, and get ourselves into the shop for an all-wheel alignment. Then, when we return to our journey, we won’t have to constantly course correct, and we can relax our grip on the steering wheel of life a little…

So in my favored format of “three things”, I give you:

3 Ways to Get into Alignment.

 

1. Meditate. – Are you tired of hearing me say this, my darlings? Too bad. I will keep saying it  because it’s true. Don’t take my word for it. There exists study after study showing the efficacy of meditation not only for aligning your mind, body and spirit but also for stress management, battling depression, increased immunity, increased fertility, relief of inflammation, lowered blood pressure, and emotional balance. The University of Pennsylvania study showed that these benefits increase exponentially with daily practice and can even significantly reduce the severity of congestive heart failure. Allow yourself to get still so you can hear the small voice of spirit tell you what it wants. Just do it. It’s good for you.  
 

2. Visualize. – See your ideal life as if it already exists. This is not a new technique but how many of us actually do it? Decorate your dream home. Drive your Maserati. See your name on the New York Times Bestseller list or the Billboard Top 100. It needn’t take scads of time. Five to ten minutes daily should do it, once you’re somewhat practiced at it. Make it real. See it, smell it, taste it as if it is here now. (Hint: it is.) Most importantly, feel the emotions you know you will feel when your life is aligned and on purpose. Your emotions are powerful tools for manifestation, Use them.

3. Know and Walk Your Truth – This is your truth, not your parents’ expectations, not your friends’ idea of what is “normal”, not what you’ve been told you should be or do or want. Dig deep. Find what makes you come alive, even if you will meet with disapproval and even if it scares the bejesus out of you, especially, if it scares the bejesus out of you. Know for sure that what you want, wants you. Because it does.  It always has. (Matthew 7:7-8) Just get out of your own way and allow it to show up.

When you practice these three steps every day, with some degree of consistency, your actions cannot help but follow suit. You cannot help but begin to manifest in ways large and small the life you desire and the life you were put on this Earth to live. And when you are moving through the world in alignment with your highest purpose, the Universe conspires on your behalf and miraculous things occur. Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself.

Be well.

Feathering the Empty Nest... What Now?

The empty nest.

Some parents dread it.

Some parents can’t wait.

Let’s be honest, some parents haven’t experienced it yet, though their kids are in their thirties.

But I think most feel a combination of the dread and anticipation embodied in the single question:

What now?

What indeed.

There are a million decisions to be made. Correction, there are a million choices to be made. You see, your children are adults now. Your choices no longer possess the urgency they did when you were making decisions for them as well. Relax. Breathe. You now have the time to do both. You don’t have to sell the house and move to Boca Raton. At least not now. Hold off on buying the bejeweled track suit just yet. Relax. Breathe.

It’s time to take stock.

Let’s look at the things you no longer have to do. You no longer have to pick up socks from random places socks were never meant to be. You no longer have to sew Halloween costumes that absolutely must look like an authentic Jedi uniform. You no longer have to wipe boogers, catch spit-out food barehanded or clean up projectile vomiting. You never have to change another diaper as long as you live. You are no one’s chauffer, maid, personal assistant, chef, party planner, personal shopper, ATM or nurse. Now if you’re like me, this is a mixed blessing. I don’t miss the boogers. I do miss the little face looking up at me as if I could fix everything that came attached to said boogers. Those little faces have already gone through the “Mom’s-so-dumb-she-doesn’t-know-anything” teenage years and now look at me as I am – a flawed human who did the best she could and still has a few pearls of wisdom to dispense.

So now you have been fired from the countless jobs you had when your children lived at home. Congratulations! You’ve done well. Ultimately, your job a parent is to put yourself out of a job.

Yay! You did it. You raised self-sufficient human beings. The question remains- What now?

Taking Stock – Three Lists

Whether you are elated, miserable or some combination of the two over your empty nest, the fact remains that you now have some expendable time. Let’s think way back, before you had children. What did you love to do, when you were just you and no one’s parent?  Make a list. Revisit those things to see if they still hold any charm for you. Now let’s try thinking back over the twenty plus years you were raising your children. How many times did you see something, a trip, a business opportunity, an idea for a great book, or a chance to volunteer that you were unable to pursue because you chose to be fully present for those little people you brought into the world. Make another list. Finally, let’s recall all those crazy, harebrained schemes you wouldn’t dare even entertain the thought of doing while you had kids at home. Sky diving? Bungee jumping? White-water rafting? Ok, maybe not so extreme. How about running a marathon, taking a meditation retreat to an ashram, or chucking your corporate gig to open your own business? All possibilities are on the table. Make a third list. Good. Now let’s get moving.

Taking Action – Three Dares

Now you have three lists of things that, if pursued wholeheartedly, will fully use your ability, passion and talent as well as using up your expendable time. 

Your next step is to choose one item from each list. Take your time and really mull over which item on each list calls to your soul. Which items will give you a real sense of accomplishment?  Then dare yourself. Double-dare yourself. No, let’s not be wishy-washy, triple-dog-dare yourself to do those three things. Give yourself a time line. Write it down and place it where you will see it every day. For example: “I, (your name), will relearn how to ride horseback, become a volunteer at the animal shelter and run a half marathon by exactly one year from today.” Sign it and date it. This is your contract with yourself. You are reclaiming yourself as something more than someone’s parent. Honor that promise to yourself as you would honor a promise you made to your children. It is that important. No, don’t argue. It is. 

Now you’ve answered the three small questions that make up the big question: What now?

Specifically: What have I accomplished so far? What is possible? What is my next step?

You have also made a commitment to yourself to pursue three things that are for you and only you. You are re-feathering your empty nest in your own beautiful colors.

You no longer have to pick up socks from random places socks were never meant to be. You no longer have to wipe boogers, catch spit-out food barehanded or clean up projectile vomiting. You never have to change another diaper as long as you live…. 

Until the grandchildren arrive.

Enjoy!