Of Birthdays, Flying Without a Net and the Audacity of Hope

 

Hey Kids!

Dig, if you will, this picture:

Tomorrow is my 52nd birthday.

 Holy Crap!


So.... Here are some thoughts on that fun fact:



What a long, strange trip it's been...

I've managed to do some pretty cool stuff in 52 years. I carried and raised some gorgeous, gifted, smart, hilariously funny, and really, really, ridiculously good looking humans. They're happy and successful people in their own right who are now raising their own families in their own creative and spectacular fashion. So there's that.

I've gained and lost fortunes, been fat, been thin, been fit and strong. Won some battles. Learned some excruciatingly hard lessons. Traveled to some amazing and beautiful places on this big blue marble called Earth. Grieved the loss of loved ones. Celebrated the triumphs of others. Fallen in and out of love, or at least infatuation a few times...Fallen on my behind a thousand times and gotten back up when everything in me said "Don't. You can't. It's too hard. Just lie here. You're exhausted. You're alone. You're too scared. Stay down." That voice is a dream slayer. 
And I can't seem to stop dreaming.
So I keep getting up.
Call it an exercise in the audacity of hope.

Adventure in the great wide somewhere...

So here I sit on the edge of 52 looking over into the next phase of my life.
Wondering why I didn't write this sort of thing at 50? That's the big one, right?
Here's why: When I was nineteen, my mother was 52. 
She was 52 when she went into Bryn Mawr Hospital for treatment of cardiomyopathy, atrial fibrillation and blood clots, developed pneumonia/congestive heart failure and never came out. 
At 52, she transitioned, crossed over, went home, whatever you want to call it.  I watched her die looking into my father's eyes - and life as I knew it changed forever.

So what does that have to do with me at 52? I'm fit, strong, in ridiculously good health, routinely mistaken for ten years younger than I am. How is this relevant? 

See, there's no roadmap from here. I'm winging it. Although, truth be told, I've been flying without a safety net pretty much since that day in October, when I was nineteen and everything changed.  
There's a part of me that's angry with her. 
I know- It's not cool to be mad at the dead, to speak ill of the dead. But the fact remains that there'a a part of me that is flat out angry at her. Because she knew she had a congenital heart disease. She knew. And she smoked. She didn't eat well. She didn't do even the minimal exercise she was allowed, which would have strengthened her and kept her with us. 
 So she checked out at 52, when I was nineteen and I still needed her. 
I still needed her. 


When I was younger I did the same. I smoked, despite watching practically everyone in my family drop dead from heart disease. I ate like crap and comforted myself with food. I didn't take care of me. I was stupid. I was scared and depressed. My kids saved my life a hundred times over just by their very existence. I gained and lost a ton of weight. It wasn't until I was 45 and my granddaughter, Marley looked up at me with her gorgeous eyes that I made a firm decision that I was not checking out. My kids may have missed the grandmother experience, but my grandbabies would not.  I did my first 5k obstacle run at 46.

That's why I'm committed to fitness and helping others achieve their weight loss and fitness goals. That's why I bore you with endless workout and inspiration posts on all of my social media. 
Because it's too important to *not* check out on people who need you. You may not even realize how much they need you. You never know who your smile or kind word is affecting. The lady you chatted up in Costco may have been despairing until you told her how lovely she looked today. The girl at the CVS with the three screaming kids may have felt totally alone until you said, "Boy, do I remember those days- It gets better, I promise." 



So what's next? 
Who knows. 
There's no road-map from here.
Let's wing it. 
Have Adventures. 
Fly without a net.
Love people.
Be present.
You and I are the Ambassadors of the Audacity of Hope.

Procrastination - Why Do We Do It? And How Do We STOP!?

 

And haven't we all been Scarlet O'Hara at some point or another?

"I'll write that paper tomorrow." 

"I have three whole days before that report is due." 

"I'll just watch one episode of Orange is the New Black." 

"OK , OK right after I watch all my friends' Snapchat stories." 

"I'll just check my Facebook for a minute."

"After all, tomorrow is another day..."

The situation becomes dire when we put on the hoop skirt and take up residence at Tara permanently.

As a serial procrastinator, I embarked upon a journey to discover what makes people (me) procrastinate and how to kick the "I'll get to it later" demon to the proverbial curb.

Here's what I discovered at the shallow end of the pool:
According to Tuckman, Abry, and Smith, there are key reasons why people procrastinate:

1. Not knowing what needs to be done
2. Not knowing how to do something
3. Not caring if it gets done or not
4. Not caring when something gets done
5. Not feeling in the mood to do it
6. Being in the habit of waiting until the last minute
7. Believing that you work better under pressure
8. Thinking that you can finish it at the last minute
9. Lacking the initiative to get started
10. Blaming sickness or poor health
11. Waiting for the right moment
12. Needing time to think about the task
13. Delaying one task in favor of working on another   

Those are all plausible, if superficial reasons for procrastination, the symptoms, if you will.
I was after the causes, the root beliefs that would make someone engage in a behavior that is nothing but destructive. I found a zillion explanations. Once I'd weeded out the BS excuses, and the over simplified, overly judgemental answers, here are the top three causes of chronic procrastination, in my opinion:

1.  Family -Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling parent keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances. What's more, under those household conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support, and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses.
2.  Fear - This tends to fall into two categories.
   • The avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success, but in either case are very concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
   •  The decisional procrastinators, who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events 
3. Medical/Clinical diagnosis - Some very real conditions are co-indicated with chronic procrastination, ADHD, OCD, anxiety and clinical depression included. In addition to medical treatment for these conditions, more and better time management tools and repetition are absolutely crucial to overcoming procrastination based on chemical imbalance.

 BONUS:

 

 The apostrophe...um, I mean EPIPHANY is this:
Very often when we are procrastinating, our subconscious is telling us that we are engaged in a task, a job, a relationship, that we actually DO NOT WANT. On any level. We tell ourselves lies like, "Oh well, everyone has to do things they don't want to do.", while our soul screams out for us to change.

Chronic procrastination is a result of being in one of two states: Fear or rebellion. (whether conscious or unconscious). We are either afraid, be it of success or failure, or we are in rebellion against something our subconscious is rejecting. People who are engaging in this behavior are not lazy, crazy, stupid or uncaring.

So How Do We STOP?

First - beating yourself up is not useful. That can bring on fear paralysis which only exacerbates the problem. Not to mention, other people are probably already beating  you up enough. "You're so smart, if only you applied  yourself!" 
(Every kid who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD recognizes that old chestnut.)

Some suggestions for breaking the habit:

• Recognize that change is a process and understanding your own MO is crucial. Why are you uncomfortable about digging into a project or changing your behavior? Write down the reasons.
• You know yourself. What diversions or Scarlet O'Hara behaviors do you usually adopt?
• Then question those. If you say "later is better," ask yourself why. And why do you need to be better to do this? Save the better state for a better task. You need to recognize the BS story you tell yourself!
• When you feel actual physical resistance, when every bone in your body is resisting the task, force yourself to put one foot in front of the other. This is similar to overcoming irrational fears.
• Break up the task into chunks. Do one a day. If it's your taxes, call the accountant one day. Then find all the income statements the next. Then divide the receipts into categories the next. And so on. I always feel I can do anything for five minutes. So maybe set a timer. Once you start, you'll find that you go over five minutes and may finish the job.
• Gain support and accountability.  Set up a buddy system. This increases your chances of doing the task. Just be sure to choose someone supportive and positive for your accountability buddy.
• If you feel the physical sensations of resistance- make it a "must do now" priority.
• Set a reward for yourself once the job is done.

If every bone in your body is still screaming NO? 
Ask yourself if, in the end, this is something you need to do.
Sometimes you need to delegate.

 

When Did I Become HER?!? (of Men, Unintentional Polygamy and a Whole Lot of WTF?)

Quick story.
OK so, I was getting dressed for my son-in-law's graduation from law school.
I was in full on Main Line Mom Mode.
Calvin Klein navy sheath dress: Check.
Pumps: Check.
Pearls: Check
Poker straight blowout: Check
Kenneth Cole clutch: Check
I looked in the mirror and thought: "Who in holy, blazing hell is THAT???"
My mother. That's who that is.
Not me. Never me. I'm a tree hugging, hippy-dippy, incense burning, yoga-loving, we-are-our-brother's-keeper, artistic, liberal-independent (ok I voted for Reagan once upon a time, but it was my first time and everyone was doing it!)

It startled me.
I got to thinking. "No, that country club princess is me too." She's in there.

And so is the glamazon, sex goddess of stage and screen. She shares quarters with the super-nerdy history buff who can tell you more about ancient religious customs than you ever wanted to hear. Like, EVER. They live right down the hall from the hard working single mom, who doesn't have time to bake cookies for the bakesale because she's got two god damned jobs, so will you just give her five minutes of quiet, please?!? Right next door is the girl who just wants to sing with the band and dance all night and stumble in at four in the morning with tired feet and a head full of adventurous stories to tell. She likes to have breakfast with the domestic goddess who loves to cook and will feed you until you are fit to burst (and make you a Tupperware of leftovers to take home, because you never know, you might want a nibble later.) She takes care of everyone, especially adventure girl, who does things like ziplining down volcanoes in Costa Rica and running off to Paris for her BFF's 50th birthday. And they all sit down at the table with Writer Chick to sort it all out.
They're all in there. In me. Along with multiple others.


No wonder the poor men in my life have been confused. They were involved in a polygamous relationship without their knowledge. Feel bad for those guys.
Because all of those women, in greater or lesser degrees, require acknowledgement. The biggest relationship fails I've had- and there have been a few - have been because the person with whom I was relating kept trying to fit me in to a category. A box. A pigeon hole. It's suffocating and then I am forced to flee. I have no choice. There is no oxygen in there.
When I've met someone who 'gets' my gypsy soul, (there have been exactly two), despite great love, or at least the potential for artistic power-couplehood, they end up having a gypsy soul of their very own and can't stay. (annnnnd cue broken heart....or at least bruised heart).

My father, who was the smartest human I've ever met, once told me "Tootsie, in relationships you need a string and a kite. If you have two strings they just lay on the ground and no one flies. If you have two kites, they both fly off into space and get lost. But when you have a kite and a string, the string holds the kite steady and the kite lifts the string as far in the air as the string lets it. And thank God for your mother because she's my string. Get yourself a string, TootsiePop. You are a kite."
He wasn't wrong. He got me.
 

 


If I ever find someone who gets me like that....I'll love him so hard his head will spin.
And he'll never be bored.
Ever.

Repost: Guarding Your Vision

This is a repost from October 2012 that I very much needed to revisit.
Thought perhaps some of you may need a reminder as well.
Namaste.



Vision.

Your vision.

What is it you want to manifest into the world?

Let’s brainstorm.

Be specific.

Is it your own restaurant, a book, a film, a family life, a business?

Is it traveling the world, living in a mansion, driving an Italian sports car, flying a jet?

What does it look like, feel like, smell like, sound like?

What is your vision for your best life?

Many people answer this question with “Well, my vision is just to get the bills paid on time, to get by.” Nope. Sorry, I’m going to have to call BS on that statement. That is not your vision. That is no one’s vision. That is simply the circumstances for which you and I and so many others have been conditioned to settle. There’s nothing wrong with paying the bills on time but that is only a stepping stone to your real vision. Think bigger. 

It’s ok – this is just between you and me. 

Actually this is just between you and you.

The importance of having a vision is in its power to move you. A vision will pull you forward. A vision will pull you out of depression. A vision will keep you going under the most grueling of circumstances. Don’t take my word for it. Pick up a copy of Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Reading that book is life changing. If you’re more of a movie buff, go and rent the gorgeous “La Vita e Bella” (Life is Beautiful).  The message is the same. Your vision is more powerful than your external circumstances. Your vision will keep you moving and pull you forward. So go ahead. Think big. Think HUGE.  Make a vision board. Put it on your Pinterest. Scrapbook it.  Journal about it. Your vision is only for you.

Let me say that again: Your vision is for you. Here’s a really cool thing about the Universe, God, Krishna, Louise, whatever you call your Source (for our purposes we’ll say God, because it’s the easiest to type). Pay attention now:

If God gives you the vision, God will give you the provision.
 

God is not going to send your provision through your sister’s vision, or your friend’s vision, or your mom’s vision of how it can be accomplished. Your vision is for you.

This means that after all the vision-creation and praying, you have to get up off your knees, get up off your ass and begin moving in the direction of your vision. The responsibility is yours. Take a course; get a part time job in your new field. You must do the thing that scares you. Do you know what happens if you don’t step out of your comfort zone? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.

That being said, you must also guard your vision. You don’t take a premature baby out of the womb or the incubator and show her to all and sundry. “Look! Look at this baby I’m incubating! When she’s all ready to be born, she’s going to be something!” You don’t expose your little baby-vision to all the germs and cooties and negativity that some people might rain down on her little head. She won’t survive, and then you’ll be heartbroken for the rest of your life. No, rather you guard her, protect her and only expose her to those whom you know for sure will nurture and protect your baby vision, just as you would. You get around those who will support your vision and help her grow until she is ready to be birthed into the world. Finding support is relatively easy in the information age – it’s a big internet out there, people- and if you have a vision, guaranteed someone out there has a similar one. Google it.

The flip-side of that is you must also protect your vision from what I like to call the “Crazymakers”. These are the people who will crap all over your vision, not because they don’t love you, (many of them will be your close friends and family) but because they just don’t get it, and that’s ok. Your vision is for you. It’s not for them; however your little baby vision must be protected from them at all costs. They are not in line with your vision for any number of reasons, usually traceable back to their own childhood programming and damage. Don’t be mad, it has nothing to do with you. Many Crazymakers are fearful that if you achieve your dreams they’ll be left behind; or it will point out to them how they gave up on their vision. Regardless, they come at you with their own agendas that have nothing to do with nurturing your vision. You must not expose your vision regularly to those who are not in line with its manifestation or it will die.
It. Will. Die.  Guarding it is your responsibility.

There are five types of toxic people that are absolute dream killers. I’m sure you know at least one of them. Some people are combinations of two or more of these types. If they’re in your family or circle of friends, by all means, love them, honor them, but for your own sake, don’t share your dream with them. Let them be dazzled when your dream manifests in all its glory.

The Complainer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you and other people. Nothing is ever his fault. He’s been cheated, mistreated, misunderstood and done wrong. And it’s everyone’s fault but his.

The Vampire
This is the needy person who constantly calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. Four words you’ll rarely hear her utter: “So, how are YOU?”

The Shamer
This person is hazardous to your health. Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit. The shamer will cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of you or your ideas, almost always in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and will try to convince you that this criticism is for your own good. His favorite saying is, “Well, I’m just being honest.” The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his. His agenda is to build himself up by embarrassing you.

 The Devil’s Advocate
This is the person who discounts or takes exception to everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and gains energy by finding fault with another’s position. It is really quite exhausting to have a conversation with this contentious person, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. Then you end up avoiding them out of plain old weariness.

The Town Crier
This person tries to create a sense of intimacy by talking with you about others, behind their backs. They want you to feel privileged to be “in the know”. The Town Crier gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you. Your inside stuff and more importantly, your vision, simply aren’t safe with this person.

Vision.

Your Vision.

What is it that you want to manifest into the world?

See it, feel it, smell it, touch it, taste it.
Most of all, protect it. 
It's your baby.

I will leave you today with an old, Italian joke:

A man goes everyday to church and kneels before the statue of St Francis of Assisi. “Francesco” he pleads, “Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”For weeks and weeks, he goes every day to the statue, and on his knees, begs:

“Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”

Finally after months of begging, St Francis comes to life, steps down off his pedestal and says to the man:
“My son, please, please, PLEASE…… buy a ticket!”

Your vision is your ticket.

Go get it.

Feathering the Empty Nest... What Now?

The empty nest.

Some parents dread it.

Some parents can’t wait.

Let’s be honest, some parents haven’t experienced it yet, though their kids are in their thirties.

But I think most feel a combination of the dread and anticipation embodied in the single question:

What now?

What indeed.

There are a million decisions to be made. Correction, there are a million choices to be made. You see, your children are adults now. Your choices no longer possess the urgency they did when you were making decisions for them as well. Relax. Breathe. You now have the time to do both. You don’t have to sell the house and move to Boca Raton. At least not now. Hold off on buying the bejeweled track suit just yet. Relax. Breathe.

It’s time to take stock.

Let’s look at the things you no longer have to do. You no longer have to pick up socks from random places socks were never meant to be. You no longer have to sew Halloween costumes that absolutely must look like an authentic Jedi uniform. You no longer have to wipe boogers, catch spit-out food barehanded or clean up projectile vomiting. You never have to change another diaper as long as you live. You are no one’s chauffer, maid, personal assistant, chef, party planner, personal shopper, ATM or nurse. Now if you’re like me, this is a mixed blessing. I don’t miss the boogers. I do miss the little face looking up at me as if I could fix everything that came attached to said boogers. Those little faces have already gone through the “Mom’s-so-dumb-she-doesn’t-know-anything” teenage years and now look at me as I am – a flawed human who did the best she could and still has a few pearls of wisdom to dispense.

So now you have been fired from the countless jobs you had when your children lived at home. Congratulations! You’ve done well. Ultimately, your job a parent is to put yourself out of a job.

Yay! You did it. You raised self-sufficient human beings. The question remains- What now?

Taking Stock – Three Lists

Whether you are elated, miserable or some combination of the two over your empty nest, the fact remains that you now have some expendable time. Let’s think way back, before you had children. What did you love to do, when you were just you and no one’s parent?  Make a list. Revisit those things to see if they still hold any charm for you. Now let’s try thinking back over the twenty plus years you were raising your children. How many times did you see something, a trip, a business opportunity, an idea for a great book, or a chance to volunteer that you were unable to pursue because you chose to be fully present for those little people you brought into the world. Make another list. Finally, let’s recall all those crazy, harebrained schemes you wouldn’t dare even entertain the thought of doing while you had kids at home. Sky diving? Bungee jumping? White-water rafting? Ok, maybe not so extreme. How about running a marathon, taking a meditation retreat to an ashram, or chucking your corporate gig to open your own business? All possibilities are on the table. Make a third list. Good. Now let’s get moving.

Taking Action – Three Dares

Now you have three lists of things that, if pursued wholeheartedly, will fully use your ability, passion and talent as well as using up your expendable time. 

Your next step is to choose one item from each list. Take your time and really mull over which item on each list calls to your soul. Which items will give you a real sense of accomplishment?  Then dare yourself. Double-dare yourself. No, let’s not be wishy-washy, triple-dog-dare yourself to do those three things. Give yourself a time line. Write it down and place it where you will see it every day. For example: “I, (your name), will relearn how to ride horseback, become a volunteer at the animal shelter and run a half marathon by exactly one year from today.” Sign it and date it. This is your contract with yourself. You are reclaiming yourself as something more than someone’s parent. Honor that promise to yourself as you would honor a promise you made to your children. It is that important. No, don’t argue. It is. 

Now you’ve answered the three small questions that make up the big question: What now?

Specifically: What have I accomplished so far? What is possible? What is my next step?

You have also made a commitment to yourself to pursue three things that are for you and only you. You are re-feathering your empty nest in your own beautiful colors.

You no longer have to pick up socks from random places socks were never meant to be. You no longer have to wipe boogers, catch spit-out food barehanded or clean up projectile vomiting. You never have to change another diaper as long as you live…. 

Until the grandchildren arrive.

Enjoy!

Get Your Zen On…. Show Up, Let Go.

I am fortunate enough to have a great and varied assortment of friends. Most have one thing in common. We make ourselves coo-coo with anxiety over how our work, our relationships, our very selves are received. We want to feel joyful and appreciated; we want to avoid pain. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things over which we have zero control, and then hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss, whether it’s real or imaginary. Then we dissolve into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a rejection letter. We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve ever wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer. It’s familiar. It’s what we know. It’s home. In clinging to the familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present.  A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when it is smothered in “what-if” fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world and circumstances around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you - without the power to destroy you.  When you stop trying to force outcomes; you can sit in an experience and truly, well, experience it! That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting peace and bliss in.
This not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Rather, it’s a daily, moment-to-moment commitment that involves shifting the way you experience and interact with the very things you instinctively want to clutch tightly.

 

Experiencing This Moment

Accept this moment as it is. Don’t try to recreate something from the past; that moment is spent. Don’t contrive how you can make this moment last forever. Just settle into the moment and enjoy it because it, too, will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Resisting that reality will only cause you pain.
Know that right now is enough. Because it’s true—tomorrow won’t be the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to find a new job. Asteroids might come hurtling towards the Earth. Deal with those moments when they arrive. All you need right now is gratitude for what is. It’s enough.
Check yourself. Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts. When you find yourself brooding over keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something, instead simply experience it. Define yourself in fluid terms. We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds discontent because if all you are is what you do or what you have then when you are not doing or having, you are nothing.

 

Letting Go of Dependency

Befriend yourself. It is extremely difficult to release people when necessary, if you depend on them for your sense of worth. You are worthy whether someone else validates you or not. By awakening to this fact, you begin to relate to people—not just how they make you feel about yourself.
Go solo sometimes. Cultivate your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.


Hold gently. This one isn’t just about letting go—it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to current popular romantic mythology, you are no one’s other half. You are a complete and whole being just as you are, right now. By all means, hold loved ones close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll  both suffocate. Stop telling yourself lies.” I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have.”  These thoughts strengthen beliefs that are not facts, even if they feel like it. The only way to be healthy and feel less pain is to know you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.
Everyone needs people, and there are seven billion on the planet. Stay open to connection.

 

Releasing the Past

The past cannot be changed. Even if you obsess about it endlessly. Even if you chastise yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It is over. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is give up the hope that that past could have been any different. It couldn’t because it wasn’t. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.
Choose love, not fear. When you cling to the past, it often has to do with fear; fear you messed up your chance at happiness or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Reframe your thinking to focus on what is joyous about your life now and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.  
Create Yourself. Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Reinvent your life the way you envision it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.
Tell a New Story. How we experience the world is largely a result of how we narrate it to ourselves. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on the lessons you have learned. That is really all that is needed from your past.

 

 

 

Stop Trying to Force Outcomes

Let it be. This doesn’t mean stop actively working to create tomorrow. It simply means you

make peace with now, as is, without worrying that something is wrong with you or your life. Operate from living and loving right now, and improving the future. Show up for the work every day and the results will take care of themselves.
Question your attachment. If you’re attached to a specific outcome—the perfect job, the perfect relationship—you may be indulging the common illusion of “Some day when everything is perfect, then I can be happy”. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.
Embrace uncertainty. Life is uncertain, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about what may happen, wastes today. There will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. Life holds no guarantees about how it will play out. How well you live today places you in alignment for a better tomorrow.
Get on purpose. You needn’t have scads of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what is important to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition. Volunteer. Redecorate. Whatever it is that you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

 

Feelings Are Not Facts

Understand that loss is unavoidable. No matter how well you do anything and everything in life, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it needn’t derail your entire peace of mind. Pain and loss only mean that you care deeply for something or someone. This too shall pass. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Talk it out. Engage your feelings. acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.
Write it out. Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity or even the desire to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. Don’t swallow them. Write in a journal. Write it out and set it aflame in a blaze of forgiveness. Anything that helps you release and free yourself.
Get Grateful. I know, I sound as if I’m stuck on repeat but this one thing alone transforms everything. It allows you to fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: it will teach you something, and it will pass. You will soon be in another happy moment in which to rejoice. Everything is cyclical.

 

 

 

Let Go

Allow peace. Most of us desire to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you feel as if you want to stay angry or upset, what your soul ultimately wants is to be at peace. It takes a conscious choice to process the emotion and allow it to transform or pass.

Get Your Zen On. Experience, appreciate, and let go to welcome another experience.
It isn’t always easy. Sometimes you will attach yourself physically and mentally to people and “stuff”—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s OK. It’s human nature.
Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things: with a sense of possession, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace and love.

 
It’s a choice. What do you choose?

Insane Courage, Embarrassing Bravery

The question I ponder more than any other most days is this: 

What makes the difference in the quality of people’s lives? 

Is there a single factor that shapes and controls our happiness or our destiny? 

Most people think that our history decides our destiny, that the past equals the future.  Well….. It can—but only if you live there.  Any study of history shows that the difference in the success or failure of human beings comes down to one thing: an ability to harness the power of decision, often in spite of crazy, adverse conditions. 

“Success and failure are not overnight experiences. It’s the small decisions along the way that cause people to fail or succeed. It’s the power of decision that led Rosa Parks to remain in her seat and state, “No, I will not go to the back of the bus.” It took a forceful decision to compel an unarmed man to stand in front of a tank at Tienanmen Square. It was the strength of decision that led President John F. Kennedy to declare that an American would be first to walk on the moon by the end of the 1960s. “

–Anthony Robbins

Making a decision only takes an instant – but as the quote above states- it requires courage- Just 20 seconds of insane courage, of embarrassing bravery.  It’s the vacillating, over thinking, and worrying that take weeks, months, or years. Once you have made a real decision – it’s instantaneous.  Follow through is the only possible option.

Example: Anyone who knows me knows I used to smoke cigarettes.  A lot. Chimneys had nothing on me.  I also had quit smoking eighty-four thousand times, unsuccessfully. Why? Because I didn’t really want to quit.  I used nicotine as my panacea for stress, my weight loss/maintenance program, my social awkwardness eliminator.  All this, despite the fact that I watched everyone in my family drop dead of heart disease.  I knew better, of course, but my addiction was stronger than any reason I could come up with to quit. It wasn’t until I started to value myself more and started to hate the way I felt, physically, that I made the real decision to quit smoking. I screwed up every bit of courage I had, reminded myself of the compelling reasons I had to quit (my children and grandchild, my health and well being) and I quit cold turkey. I have not picked up one cigarette since then and have no desire to smoke. Not even a tiny bit. Why? Because I’d made a real decision to look past the lies I was telling myself about how smoking was managing my stress, my weight, etc.  I suffered some physical withdrawal symptoms for about a month and then it was over.  I am no more stressed than I was while I smoked. I have not gained an ounce; in fact I’m in far better shape than I ever was.  It was all self-deception. Once I shifted my focus on to gaining good health, instead of losing my ‘pacifier’, being smoke-free became second nature.  I felt extremely powerful and was able to build on that success to make more and more empowering decisions for my life.

Let’s be honest here:  decision is the ultimate power—and there are three core decisions each of us makes every moment of every day. These decisions have the capacity to empower, advance, frustrate or derail us, depending on what we choose:

Decision: What are you choosing to focus on?

Remember that what you place your attention upon is what expands in your life. Do you focus on things you’re excited about, your goals, projects or passions?  Do you focus on things you fear?  Do you “what if” yourself into fear paralysis? Wherever your focus goes, your energy flows.

Decision: What does this mean?

Is the situation you are currently experiencing the end or the beginning? Do you live in a world where you are being punished or rewarded? The minute you decide to focus on something, you give it a meaning. Your definition of any event produces emotion about that event and determines how you feel about it going forward.  But YOU choose what it means.  Your friend didn’t call you back could mean they hate you, could mean they’re busy.  Without talking to them, where does your head automatically go? We need to change the default settings of our thinking to the most positive possibility instead of the most negative.

Decision : What are you going to do about it?

Bottom line: are you going to give up or follow through? The meanings we assign to our life events influence the actions we take as a result. A real, deep-down decision is always preceded by that 20 seconds of insane courage, and is always followed by action, however small.  It’s our decisions, not our conditions that shape the ultimate quality of our lives. The decision you make, right now, can change the course of your life forever.

Be Brave.

Decide.

Act.

Succeed.

 I’ll be right here, cheering you on!

Let's Talk About Fear, Bay-bee.

Oh, Fear...
That old friend that has kept us alive since way back when the primeval versions of ourselves were running around, fending off mastodons. 

That old enemy that keeps us from doing the things that call to our deepest soul.

Fear is the ultimate "frenemy".

Let's be fair.
Fear isn't all bad. (see: mastodons, fending off of - )
It's programmed into our DNA to keep us from hurtling off cliffs or letting our daughters date drummers. A healthy measure of fear is part of our survival mechanism. When fear becomes problematic is when it paralyzes us from doing things we long to do, or things know we ought to do. Let's take a look at some of the most common forms fear takes in everyday life and what we can do to put it in it's place.

The psychological condition of fear is, in most cases in modern life, divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger (i.e. mastodons). It's more often fear of something that may never happen that stops us in our tracks. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, nervousness, anxiety, panic, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now. You are in the here and now, while your mind is in some imagined future. This creates an anxiety gap. And if you have identified with this imagined outcome, that anxiety gap will be your constant companion. You can always cope with the present moment, but you cannot cope with something that is only a mind projection - you cannot cope with a future that does not exist yet. We humans are the only creatures on earth who do this. The human ego is very vulnerable and insecure and it sees itself as constantly under threat. This, by the way, is the case even if the person is outwardly very confident. Now remember that an emotion is the body's reaction to your thoughts. This is important: Fear, like all emotions, is physical. It exists in the  body. What message is the body receiving continuously from the ego? Danger, I am under threat. And what is the emotion generated by this continuous message? Fear, of course.

So how does it manifest? Like this:

Staying in Situations That No Longer Serve Our Well-Being 
How often in our lives do we stay in a job that sucks the life out of us or a relationship that sucks the soul out of us? We've all done it, but why? Because the alternative that we've dreamed up is far worse, in our fearful minds, than the situation that is currently draining our life dry.
We couldn't possibly stand up and calmly leave the toxic relationship. That would make us a bad person. Our fear projects a future where we are alone, eating frozen lean cuisines for one and are utterly unlovable because we're such a loser.
We couldn't possibly leave our soul-sucker of a job. That would make us a quitter and irresponsible. Our fear projects a future where we are homeless, destitute and no doubt smelly and utterly unlovable because we're such a loser.

Let me ask you this?
Have you ever been fired from a job?
Have you ever been dumped?
Ever had those two things happen at the same time?
It seems like the end of the world.
But caving in to your fear wasn't an option. Your worst fear has come upon you and you can cope, you can recover, you can even thrive - because you must. It is here now and we CAN cope with real situations in the present moment. The Universe has just removed you from the situation you were too fearful to leave on your own. You're welcome.
 Cut to six months later: You're in a better job or have started your own business, you are more fulfilled and more abundant than you ever thought you could be.  The right people have arrived into your life right on time and you can't believe you were ever afraid. That catastrophe was the best thing that could have happened to you.

People-Pleasing 

I think everyone has had a time in their life when they've run around to all and sundry, pleading "Validate me! Please!"  We are social creatures by nature and the abject terror of our internal Judge Judy, of being judged and found wanting is the most universal fear there is. We don't want others to dislike us, to disapprove of us, to think less of us or to think we are a "bad person". So we scramble around trying to fulfill every one's needs but our own, which creates an expectation from others of our constant availability, which we then try to fill and have no idea how to stop the spiral for fear of being judged. The result? Burn out, depression and a lingering resentment for being taken for granted. The irony of this situation is that very few people respect a people-pleaser. Folks may appreciate what they do, but respect? Hardly.  It's hard to respect someone who has no boundaries. No boundaries denotes a lack of self-respect. And in case your mama didn't tell you - NO ONE will respect you if you don't respect yourself. You teach people how to treat you.

Paralysis
This is by far the most common manifestation of fear. Doing absolutely nothing. If I don't move, I can't make a wrong move, can I? That's safe. Right?
Wrong.
Here's a little truth cookie for you to munch on: If you are not consciously expanding your comfort zone, it contracts all by itself. This is undoubtedly the quickest route to hiding in your room, isolating yourself and greatly increases the chances of dying there, all alone and being eaten by your cats. All of creation is in motion. Standing still is not an option. Eventually you will have to do something.


So what's the antidote to fear?

Courage

 

If we learned nothing else from the Cowardly Lion's story in "The Wizard of Oz", we learned that courage is not the absence of fear. It is being absolutely terrified and doing what needs to be done anyway. It is facing the Wicked Witch, going through the Dark Forest even though "I do believe in spooks, I do, I do I do!" It is fainting in the face of the great and powerful Oz, and getting back up to receive our medal.
When we face our fears, we must remember: The flying monkeys have taken Dorothy. We're the only ones who can save her (and her little dog too!). The hourglass is on the table and now is the only time we have. What to do?



These 3 Things:

1. Take massive action. - As mentioned earlier, Fear, like all emotions, is physical. It exists in the  body. In order to move past fear, it is necessary to break the pattern of habitual thinking and acting that put us in fear to begin with. Do something, anything, to literally or symbolically take on fear in general.  Go ziplining, talk to a stranger, seek a support group, make it your business to educate yourself, learn to fire walk, dress up like a guard and sneak into the witch's castle, ANYTHING. Just take action. You needn't do it perfectly. Just do it.
2. Build on Successes - Every time you face something that scares you and don't die or anything, you've triumphed over fear. Keep the momentum going by taking another step and then another. If you fall, get back up. It's just a hiccup on your path and it will pass. Remember that what you put your attention upon is what expands in your life, so if you are consistently focusing on your successes, more successes will surely show up. Work on your weaknesses, by all means, but build upon your successes. Your gifts are unique and who will treasure them if you do not?
3. Embrace Fear as Energy - Think about it. Adrenaline is powerful stuff. The more intense your fear, the more energy it produces. You are a thinking being, you can choose what meaning to give that energy. Suppose you take that intense feeling and decide it will no longer be fear, it will be the power to produce change. What would happen then? It's your energy. You get to decide what it means. If your fear is screaming "I can't!", you can decide that this means "I MUST!".

You - 1
Fear - 0

You Win.