Repost: 3 Radical Steps to Managing Radical Change

Repost- I first wrote this three years ago -
I thought it needed a revisit.


So, you've had a radical change in your life.
You lost your job.
Your relationship ended.
You've relocated and have no new support system.
(Insert your big change here)
 And you feel ...unwell... scared... lost....just wrecked.
Now what?

As easy as it would be to make a permanent date with Ben and Jerry and hole yourself up literally and figuratively from all of humanity forever... I think we both know that isn't a viable option, long term. So enjoy your Chunky Monkey, mourn what it is that you have lost, and when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired...Get Radical!

 

 

 

3 Radical Steps to Managing Radical Change

 

1. Radical Self Care

You have to start with the basics. You've been dealt a big blow by life and you are allowed to care for yourself.  More than that, it is imperative that you care for yourself. You are in the process of refilling the well and it happens on no one's timetable but yours.

The very first thing that can help is to set healthy boundaries. Because you lost your job does NOT mean that you are now available to babysit everyone's children, walk their dogs, house sit or clean their closets. Because you are now single does not mean that you are to be set up with everyone's cousin/brother/best friend. Because you are going through a change does not mean you have to listen to, or take on others' opinions or judgements of you and your situation.  "No" is not a four letter word. Keep close those unconditional supporters in your life and let everyone else know you are in a rebuilding phase.

Radical care of the body is key. As much as we are all lovers of Ben and Jerry, sooner or later one must break up with them and start to feed yourself. Well. You are fueling the vehicle you use to move through life, and there is no trade-in option. Get a tune up with your doctor. Exercise for health AND sanity. Multiple studies have shown regular exercise to be as good or better than antidepressants in relieving mild to moderate depression. Take care of you in the most basic way first.

Radical emotional care means you have to change your self-talk. If you are not nice to you, who will be? This does not mean caving in and affirming every little emotion that comes along. Remember, your habitual self talk probably isn't very kind to you right now. Specifically, "I've failed. I'm not good enough. I'll never find love. I'm never going to make new friends.Things like this always happen to me." and the like. Catch yourself in this self talk and ask yourself - "Is this really true?" Then flip the script. You haven't failed unless you've stopped trying for anything. You gained valuable lessons from this experience. If nothing else, you know what doesn't work. You won't find love or new friends? Honey, there are seven billion people here on Planet Earth. Surely some of them will have an affinity for you and vice versa. Perhaps widening your scope would be a good idea. Things like this always happen to you? Do you lose a job every single day? Do you leave a relationship every day? Are you relocating daily? Hardly. So these things don't always happen to you, do they? Start talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. "Beloved, this is just a set back, a minor glitch in the grand scheme of your life. Your loss was only to make way for something bigger, better and more fulfilling that the Universe has in store for you! Get excited!" (At least, that's what I would say to my best friend.) Give yourself a break.

 

2. Radical Action

Once you have replenished your resources a bit, it's time for radical action. You will know when that time comes by a relentless restlessness, by ideas waking you up in the middle of the night, by a need for movement.

Radical action is different for each of us. For some it is going out there and getting another, better job. For others it is signing up for a dating sight. For me it was restructuring my life so as not to work 9-5, to pursue my art while finding ways to make ends meet using my art. For some it's leaving absolutely everything behind and starting from scratch. It really doesn't matter what the radical action is, as long as it breaks the habitual pattern. Remember the old saying "If all you ever do is what you've always done; all you'll ever get is what you've always gotten." Get fearless. Challenge yourself. Step out of the comfort zone. Recognize that what looks like happiness to you may not match what's considered "normal" by your friends and family. Get OK with being perceived as different or eccentric or even the 'bad guy'. This is your journey. At the end of the day the only perception you have to live with is yours. Be aware that 'security' is an illusion. Any one of us, in a moment, could lose everything or face a life-changing event that was completely unforeseeable. Embrace uncertainty, make it a friend, and then you can begin to manage your reactions to the unforeseeable in a positive way.

 

3. Radical Surrender

There's that word again. Surrender. This doesn't mean giving up. It means freeing yourself from worrying about things you never had control over in the first place. It means forgiving people, not because what they did was OK, only that you'd rather not carry the burden of resentment anymore for something that's already in the past. It means detaching from outcomes and just giving yourself over to the work, the relationship, the journey and having faith that where you end up will be precisely where you were supposed to end up. Relinquish the desire to make others respond or behave the way you think they should. They are on their own journey, with their own lessons to learn. It is not your business to dictate their steps. As I've said for many years, "You can't tell grown people what to do." Your only decision is whether to walk with them or not. If not, send them love and light and let your paths diverge.

Just let go. You don't have to drive everyone's bus.
Finally, get grateful. Gratitude and depression cannot occupy the same space. When you start looking around for things to be grateful for in life, guess what happens? More things for which to be grateful start to show up. And it grows exponentially. You don't have to believe me, try it for 30 days, it will prove itself to you.

Before you know it, you will find yourself in a brand new place, perhaps one you never expected to see. And you will be able to say, as my friend Judie said today, "No matter what the future holds, I will greet it with open arms and be the best person I can be." 

Thanks Judie, for inspiring today's post. You are my Ambassador of Rad.

When Did I Become HER?!? (of Men, Unintentional Polygamy and a Whole Lot of WTF?)

Quick story.
OK so, I was getting dressed for my son-in-law's graduation from law school.
I was in full on Main Line Mom Mode.
Calvin Klein navy sheath dress: Check.
Pumps: Check.
Pearls: Check
Poker straight blowout: Check
Kenneth Cole clutch: Check
I looked in the mirror and thought: "Who in holy, blazing hell is THAT???"
My mother. That's who that is.
Not me. Never me. I'm a tree hugging, hippy-dippy, incense burning, yoga-loving, we-are-our-brother's-keeper, artistic, liberal-independent (ok I voted for Reagan once upon a time, but it was my first time and everyone was doing it!)

It startled me.
I got to thinking. "No, that country club princess is me too." She's in there.

And so is the glamazon, sex goddess of stage and screen. She shares quarters with the super-nerdy history buff who can tell you more about ancient religious customs than you ever wanted to hear. Like, EVER. They live right down the hall from the hard working single mom, who doesn't have time to bake cookies for the bakesale because she's got two god damned jobs, so will you just give her five minutes of quiet, please?!? Right next door is the girl who just wants to sing with the band and dance all night and stumble in at four in the morning with tired feet and a head full of adventurous stories to tell. She likes to have breakfast with the domestic goddess who loves to cook and will feed you until you are fit to burst (and make you a Tupperware of leftovers to take home, because you never know, you might want a nibble later.) She takes care of everyone, especially adventure girl, who does things like ziplining down volcanoes in Costa Rica and running off to Paris for her BFF's 50th birthday. And they all sit down at the table with Writer Chick to sort it all out.
They're all in there. In me. Along with multiple others.


No wonder the poor men in my life have been confused. They were involved in a polygamous relationship without their knowledge. Feel bad for those guys.
Because all of those women, in greater or lesser degrees, require acknowledgement. The biggest relationship fails I've had- and there have been a few - have been because the person with whom I was relating kept trying to fit me in to a category. A box. A pigeon hole. It's suffocating and then I am forced to flee. I have no choice. There is no oxygen in there.
When I've met someone who 'gets' my gypsy soul, (there have been exactly two), despite great love, or at least the potential for artistic power-couplehood, they end up having a gypsy soul of their very own and can't stay. (annnnnd cue broken heart....or at least bruised heart).

My father, who was the smartest human I've ever met, once told me "Tootsie, in relationships you need a string and a kite. If you have two strings they just lay on the ground and no one flies. If you have two kites, they both fly off into space and get lost. But when you have a kite and a string, the string holds the kite steady and the kite lifts the string as far in the air as the string lets it. And thank God for your mother because she's my string. Get yourself a string, TootsiePop. You are a kite."
He wasn't wrong. He got me.
 

 


If I ever find someone who gets me like that....I'll love him so hard his head will spin.
And he'll never be bored.
Ever.

Limitless (poetic reboot)

The challenge was to pen a poem with the first words "I am..."
Here's mine.
Please feel free to add yours in the comments below!


Limitless

I am
a mighty creator, a music maker,
an illusory truth teller.
I am too pretty to feel this mean
and too abundant to lack the cash, the flow I desire.
I can make you feel things
and I choose to make you feel
as if you can fly without wings.
I choose to inspire you,
to require you to think
about where you are and whence you shall fly.
My purpose is divine,
to shine a light
on your gorgeousness, your delicious uniqueness,
your fearless quest to be...

divinity.

I am a bringer of words to light,
a singer of songs so bright
that to stand in their tide
is to let love wash over you
like a dream of waterfalls and sun rays.
I tell truths you try to hide.
Why?
Because your dreams frighten the lesser part of you,
the part that has tricked you
into thinking that this is all that you are?
I am a trumpet call
announcing your greatness,
renouncing the lies that kept you
fearful and tired.

I am the drum, the different drum
to which you can march
in order to get to the top
of your own pinnacle, miracle,
dream of dreams.

I am
a mother, a lover, a daughter, a sinner, a sage,
a maiden, a crone,
a limitless creature of pure radiance;
here to tell you that you, also,
are this.
Limitless.

Feathering the Empty Nest... What Now?

The empty nest.

Some parents dread it.

Some parents can’t wait.

Let’s be honest, some parents haven’t experienced it yet, though their kids are in their thirties.

But I think most feel a combination of the dread and anticipation embodied in the single question:

What now?

What indeed.

There are a million decisions to be made. Correction, there are a million choices to be made. You see, your children are adults now. Your choices no longer possess the urgency they did when you were making decisions for them as well. Relax. Breathe. You now have the time to do both. You don’t have to sell the house and move to Boca Raton. At least not now. Hold off on buying the bejeweled track suit just yet. Relax. Breathe.

It’s time to take stock.

Let’s look at the things you no longer have to do. You no longer have to pick up socks from random places socks were never meant to be. You no longer have to sew Halloween costumes that absolutely must look like an authentic Jedi uniform. You no longer have to wipe boogers, catch spit-out food barehanded or clean up projectile vomiting. You never have to change another diaper as long as you live. You are no one’s chauffer, maid, personal assistant, chef, party planner, personal shopper, ATM or nurse. Now if you’re like me, this is a mixed blessing. I don’t miss the boogers. I do miss the little face looking up at me as if I could fix everything that came attached to said boogers. Those little faces have already gone through the “Mom’s-so-dumb-she-doesn’t-know-anything” teenage years and now look at me as I am – a flawed human who did the best she could and still has a few pearls of wisdom to dispense.

So now you have been fired from the countless jobs you had when your children lived at home. Congratulations! You’ve done well. Ultimately, your job a parent is to put yourself out of a job.

Yay! You did it. You raised self-sufficient human beings. The question remains- What now?

Taking Stock – Three Lists

Whether you are elated, miserable or some combination of the two over your empty nest, the fact remains that you now have some expendable time. Let’s think way back, before you had children. What did you love to do, when you were just you and no one’s parent?  Make a list. Revisit those things to see if they still hold any charm for you. Now let’s try thinking back over the twenty plus years you were raising your children. How many times did you see something, a trip, a business opportunity, an idea for a great book, or a chance to volunteer that you were unable to pursue because you chose to be fully present for those little people you brought into the world. Make another list. Finally, let’s recall all those crazy, harebrained schemes you wouldn’t dare even entertain the thought of doing while you had kids at home. Sky diving? Bungee jumping? White-water rafting? Ok, maybe not so extreme. How about running a marathon, taking a meditation retreat to an ashram, or chucking your corporate gig to open your own business? All possibilities are on the table. Make a third list. Good. Now let’s get moving.

Taking Action – Three Dares

Now you have three lists of things that, if pursued wholeheartedly, will fully use your ability, passion and talent as well as using up your expendable time. 

Your next step is to choose one item from each list. Take your time and really mull over which item on each list calls to your soul. Which items will give you a real sense of accomplishment?  Then dare yourself. Double-dare yourself. No, let’s not be wishy-washy, triple-dog-dare yourself to do those three things. Give yourself a time line. Write it down and place it where you will see it every day. For example: “I, (your name), will relearn how to ride horseback, become a volunteer at the animal shelter and run a half marathon by exactly one year from today.” Sign it and date it. This is your contract with yourself. You are reclaiming yourself as something more than someone’s parent. Honor that promise to yourself as you would honor a promise you made to your children. It is that important. No, don’t argue. It is. 

Now you’ve answered the three small questions that make up the big question: What now?

Specifically: What have I accomplished so far? What is possible? What is my next step?

You have also made a commitment to yourself to pursue three things that are for you and only you. You are re-feathering your empty nest in your own beautiful colors.

You no longer have to pick up socks from random places socks were never meant to be. You no longer have to wipe boogers, catch spit-out food barehanded or clean up projectile vomiting. You never have to change another diaper as long as you live…. 

Until the grandchildren arrive.

Enjoy!

Resolutions Schmesolutions...

Hello! Happy New Year!!

I know it's popular to make New Year's Resolutions and I'm all for setting goals. 
That said, haven't resolutions become kind of a symbolic promise that you know that you probably won't keep?
On  January 1st, we're all going to lose 10 pounds, stop smoking, stop nail biting, volunteer, go to the gym, etc. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) which usually lasts until about January 15th, optimistically.

I'd like to offer an alternative, which is forming a plan to achieve what you really, really, really, really want. (Yes, all four 'reallys' are necessary.)

What is it You Really, Really, Really, Really Want?

ok - So you've set a goal, or several. Fantastic!
Now let's build some legs under it so it can take off, running!
Is it what you really, really, really, really want?
Here's how to tell:

Really #1 = Passion
For a goal to succeed, it requires more than intellectual processing, more than muscle and sweat. To be consistent, day after day, requires an investment of emotion! Fire! Passion! It all boils down to love. If your goal is to lose weight - following through will require you to love YOU and your health more than the cheesecake. (Tough choice, I know!) If your goal is to build your sideline business, you have to love it enough to turn off the TV and spend your valuable leisure time nurturing it like the little baby creation it is. (This often includes sacrificing sleep!) If your goal is to get strong and fit you have to love your body (and your loved ones) enough to put down the cigs, go to the gym every day and work through the awkwardness, the sweat, the soreness and discomfort in order to be stronger and healthier for your life and your family. This can't be some "I should" obligation. This kind of passion requires true love. Love for yourself and your dreams. Knowing that you are worthy of a success filled, passionate, joyous LIFE, not just a flat-line existence. Passion.

Really #2 = Vision
 "He stood in the presence of God, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence those things that do not yet exist." Romans 4:17
Those are some powerful words. 
And I remember, as a teenager, the first time I read them, thinking: "That is an instruction." I know I sound like a broken record - but it has been made evident to me over and over again that we, as humans, are never given a vision, without being given the provision to "call into existence those things that do not yet exist." It's the very nature of the creative impulse. Heck, it's the original Creative impulse. Every great thing invented, written, composed, achieved was first conceived by someone with a very clear vision.
Wayne Dyer wrote a book called "You'll See it When You Believe It." Read that again. It's not a type-o. It's not backwards. So go ahead- see it. Get a detailed picture in your mind of what achievement of your goal looks like. Is it running a marathon? (Can you see yourself crossing the finish line, covered in sweat and feel how shaky your legs are?) Is it giving up your day job and making a living at your true calling? Is it buying a new home? (What does it look like? Can you smell the cedar lined walk-in closet?) Is it financial security? Call it up! Call it into existence in your mind as real as if it were already done. Feel the feelings of success. (see above section on passion) What does it feel like? Enjoy those triumphant feelings right now. Make it real in your imagination. It's your vision.

Really #3 = Mastery
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle
This is the nuts and bolts of it all. Mastery is really a poetic word for repetition. Athletes know all about this. All athletes have drills that they perform daily until their bodies find those movements to be second nature. Musicians run scales until they no longer have to think about where the notes are. Writer/Director Oliver Stone has a sign over his desk that reads: "“Writing equals ass plus chair.”  This is where your passion and vision must sustain you through the boring bit.  I always told my children when they were small - "You don't get good at something by NOT doing it."  So do it. Even if you suck. Especially if you suck. If you persist with passion and vision, you will succeed. It's like potty training - it really isn't important how long it takes you to get it. It is very important that you get it. If it's your goal - keep plugging away. Time is your friend.  
Really #4 = Surrender
This is a tough one for many many people. This surrender is not about giving up. It's about knowing that you have the passion, the vision and you are doing the work. It's about relinquishing the "how" of it all and letting success show up on its own terms and not necessarily dressed up like you thought it would be. Releasing the need to control outcomes and surrendering to the flow of energy allows abundance to show up. Relative to what we think, we ask our intuition what we need to do to manifest the intention we hold. Then honor the intuitive guidance we get. Here we need to understand that the intuitive guidance we get may not be in line with our preconceived notion but the direction we need to travel is correct. It will get us to our goal. Surrender, know you are worthy of all good things and trust your gut.

Real change doesn't have to be hard and scary. 

You just have to really, really, really, really want it. 

 

Happy, Joyous, Abundant New Year!

How Many "Do-Overs" Does One Get?

Seriously. 
This is a question I get from people all the time. I also ask myself this question pretty consistently.
I sometimes feel like a serial re-starter and that makes me ask myself,  "What does this say about me?"
Apparently, I'm not alone. 
This blog, and the response I get to it from you guys, is evidence that I'm not alone. 
There are books on the New York Times Best Seller list that tell me I'm not alone.
The questions that I've heard most often, about do-overs, are usually some version of the following:

"I've had two true loves in my life. That's more than most people get. Do you think I've had my shot? Do you think there is a quota on true love, and I've hit mine?"

"I really hate my job, but this is the third career change I've attempted. If I make a move everyone will think I'm a slacker or that I lack commitment. Should I just suck it up and stick it out?"

"I feel like I'm not making any progress, as if life is passing me by. Again. Why do I keep getting stuck?"


Herein is my considered opinion on this topic. 
Bear in mind, it is my opinion. I am not a doctor (although I will play one on TV if asked).

Love:  How many "love do-overs" do you get? I feel pretty strongly on this topic. As many as it takes. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that teaches there is only one "soul mate" per person and if you miss that person, well, you're just out of luck. I, personally, have many soul mates and only one of them is my lover. I have had three "Prince Charmings" in my life and I will not negate two of those loves because they are not the current one. I will love all three of those men on some level until the day I die. I think the lesson I've gotten from falling on my face (more than a few times) in the love department is this: Love is a verb. It is what you do. It is not a feeling. The feelings are, passion, infatuation, amity, congruence, friendship, affection, but love is a verb. Love is holding someones hair while they throw up. Love is letting someone cry snot balls into your favorite shirt while you hold them. Love is not saying the hateful thing you're thinking just because you're irritated right now. Love is acting loving even when you're not feeling the loving feelings. Love is getting up in the middle of the night and doing what needs to be done for the sick kid or the sick partner. Love is being as committed to the other person's growth as you are to your own, even if that means setting them free. Love is walking away with grace and goodwill when you can do no more good or your love is no longer wanted. I'll say it a third time: Love is a verb. It has no limits. It is not a finite quantity. It is the Universe in action. It's only parameters are the ones we make up. 

Career: This is a tough one. I believe each of us has a purpose, a calling. We are all here for a purpose and when we find that purpose we know. It's the thing that doesn't feel like work. It's the thing we do that we start at 7 am, realize at some point that we're hungry, look up, and realize it's 7 pm. I know one part of my calling is to be a teacher. I've taken a teaching role in many of my friendships, relationships and most of my career choices, quite organically. To this day, when I want to learn something, I process it or break it down as if I were teaching it to someone else. 
That said, we have to factor in circumstances. We have bills to pay, children to raise, retirements to secure. So it's necessary for most of us to have a job while we search for and figure out how to monetize our purpose. Non-calling related jobs can teach us valuable tools to that purpose, specifically: business skills, people skills, organization, time management, and discipline. Let's face it, your boss doesn't want to hear that you "aren't feeling it today" and that same discipline should apply when YOU are your boss. So if you hate your job, you have two choices. Change what you are doing OR change how you think about what you are doing. When you start looking at aspects of your "day gig" as teaching tools to push you forward and teach you skills that will manifest your "dream gig" then it becomes a stepping stone to success rather than a brick wall. Perspective is reality, people.

Progress: The fact that one is asking the question, "Why am I not progressing?" is a great sign. Do you know how many people live a life of  "getting by" and are sure there is nothing more? Many. Too Many. I think it is important to know that you are here for a purpose. I think it is imperative to seek that purpose, however long it takes for you to find it. 
It is my opinion that the number one reason people get stuck is fear. Plain, old fear. We are conditioned to conform. We dread others saying the following about us: "You can't do that, are you crazy?" "There's no money in that, you'll starve." "Well if you do that, I'm done with you." "I'd like to support you, but I don't think you should live your life that way." "You're not good enough to make a living that way!"  or my personal favorite, "Just who do you think you are?"
Those statements will facilitate stuck-ded-ness for sure, but I think the fear of those statements is far more insidious. Those statements take root because at some level we believe them to be true. Therefore conquering that fear is an inside job. It requires telling yourself daily, in many different ways, that you ARE good enough. To feel the fear and act anyway is to kick the fear to the curb.One must take those statements (and they will come your way if you are doing something even a little out of the ordinary) and turn them into fuel for your engine. This alone is a sign of progress, so celebrate it! People who are not following their bliss are generally resentful of those who are. Why not make it your mission to inspire them otherwise?


I am inspired by Bishop TD Jakes in a lot of ways, but particularly his talk on "Living on Purpose". Don't be put off, if you're not one to listen to preachers. This man has a message for everyone. Check it out:

     

To answer the title question, "How Many 'Do-Overs' Does One Get?" 

 

As many as you need to get to your purpose, your life's work, your calling and your bliss. 

 

Every breath you take is a chance to start over.

 

Are you breathing?

 

Good.