Get On the Path to a Work Life You Love

 “Love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life.”  ~Confucius

 True, that. But what if you don’t love your job? 

What if you are trudging through your work day because you have bills to pay, a family to support, loans to pay off? What then?

Well, then it would appear that you have some soul searching to do and a choice to make. 

In the grand scheme of things this sort of dilemma leaves one with a relatively simple choice. 

If you don’t love what you are doing you have two options: 

Change what you are doing or change how you think about what you are doing. 

(Hey, I said it was simple, I didn’t say it was easy! Nothing worth doing comes without a degree of difficulty, really.)

So how does one go about making this kind of life change? Make no mistake, it is a life change. As in: lifelong, creating new habits, following through, being really brave, life change! It’s a never ending process but let’s talk about some tools you can use right now to get you started down the path to a work life you love.

 

Purpose

 I believe that everyone has a calling, a purpose. Yes, you too. There is a reason you are here, at this time, with the gifts and talents that you possess. It’s becoming evident that more and more people are becoming conscious if this and asking themselves “Yes, but what is my purpose?” “How will I find it?” “What if I never find it?”  Rest assured if you are seeking, chances are your purpose will find you. But be aware, most times it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. Also, it almost always comes as a way for you to serve others using your particular gifts and talents. A good guiding question to ask is “How may I serve?” This is particularly important for management and executive staff. Too often leaders get so caught up in authority that they forget that their primary responsibility as a leader is to serve and to inspire those whom they lead. Taking a few moments in the beginning of your work day to reflect on how you can serve the day, your co-workers, and the project you’re working on, or even the company’s vision will start to shift how you see your purpose in your current job. Purpose is always tied to contribution. Always. Asking yourself about your contributions in your work is a great jumping off point.

Passion

 Still, if the job you are currently doing is an absolute soul-sucker and there’s no way you can see yourself happy doing it long term, then you need to start figuring out just what you were put on this earth to do.

OK – Let’s try this exercise: You just won the lottery for twelve gazillion dollars. You never have to worry about finances again. You’ve already bought the home of your dreams, the cars, the clothes, the shoes, the toys, the gadgets. You’ve taken every trip you’ve ever dreamed of and quite frankly, now you’re bored. What would you do for free?  Write it down, right now, without over-thinking, without censoring yourself. There are no wrong answers here.  What is the thing you can get up in the morning and do all day without stopping and still be joyous the whole time? It’s not the same as having an interest. Interests get old after awhile. You lose steam to pursue them. Really dig deep for the thing you would sweat all day long doing, every day, and love every minute of it. There can be more than one thing. You are a limitless being. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you. If you are a dancer who would rather be creating financial portfolios, if you are an professor who loves to build additions on to your house, if you are a call center employee who wakes up singing and dreams all day of being a singer, there is where your passion lives. And where passion lives, purpose lives right next door. Purpose is simply finding a way to do what you love the most, and then do it in service to others. When you do that, you’ve discovered your calling. Congratulations! Now, how can you incorporate this calling into your job and daily life right now? Maybe nursing is your goal, but you work in a corporate office. Can you contact HR and start a health and wellness initiative in your office? Get creative. If your purpose is to teach and you work at a supermarket, volunteer to train or mentor new employees! You get to act on your passion; you are acting in service to others and your employer gets an enthusiastic trainer. Win-Win-win!

Vision

 Ok – so you’ve figured out that you are in fact the world’s greatest untapped source of (insert passion and purpose here). Let’s say, for the sake of argument that you’ve decided your purpose is not best fulfilled by your present job as it presently exists. Good. You know something you don’t want and all knowledge is power. And let’s say you can’t exactly quit your job to go be a realtor or something due to financial responsibilities. Try this technique: Think from the end and then take a step. Thinking from the end means getting clear about your calling (see above) and then getting detailed about what that success looks like. Author Wayne Dyer has a method he uses when sitting down to write one of his many best sellers He gets the title of the book first. He then envisions the cover of his book: the font of the title, the picture on the cover, the bio on the back flap, all of it in great detail. Using this vision he calls his publisher and has them make a sample book jacket and send it to him. Upon receiving the sample, he wraps a random book in the jacket and sits it upright on his desk, in front of his face, as he writes. So as he is creating his vision (his book), it is already manifested, the finished product, complete, right in front of him. This is thinking from the end. The next part is taking a step, any step, even a baby step. Perhaps you enroll in realtor school at night. Maybe you take a dance class. Maybe you commit to writing non-stop for one hour, every day. Take a step and the Universe will conspire on your behalf to bring your vision to you. The best part: the Universe tends to dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever dream for yourself. Much bigger.

So let’s recap:

1. Everyone has a purpose, a reason they are here at this time with their particular talents.
2. The difference between a talent and a purpose is purpose is almost always in service to others.
3. Finding your true passion will lead you to your calling.
4. Envisioning fulfilling your purpose in detail will pull you forward.
5. Think from the end and then take a step. 

 

Skill Practice:

    

Write your Vision and then write your Mission Statement.

    ~Your Vision should start with the words: "I am..... "

    ~Your Mission Statement should start with the words: "I will..."

 

Now, be BRAVE and  1, 2, 3, ACT!!

 

“If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and endeavor to live the life which you have imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”   

~Henry David Thoreau

 

Guarding Your Vision

Vision.

Your vision.

What is it you want to manifest into the world?

Let’s brainstorm.

Be specific.

Is it your own restaurant, a book, a film, a family life, a business?

Is it traveling the world, living in a mansion, driving an Italian sports car, flying a jet?

What does it look like, feel like, smell like, sound like?

What is your vision for your best life?

Many people answer this question with “Well, my vision is just to get the bills paid on time, to get by.” Nope. Sorry, I’m going to have to call BS on that statement. That is not your vision. That is no one’s vision. That is simply the circumstances for which you and I and so many others have been conditioned to settle. There’s nothing wrong with paying the bills on time but that is only a stepping stone to your real vision. Think bigger. 

It’s ok – this is just between you and me. 

Actually this is just between you and you.

The importance of having a vision is in its power to move you. A vision will pull you forward. A vision will pull you out of depression. A vision will keep you going under the most grueling of circumstances. Don’t take my word for it. Pick up a copy of Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Reading that book is life changing. If you’re more of a movie buff, go and rent the gorgeous “La Vita e Bella” (Life is Beautiful).  The message is the same. Your vision is more powerful than your external circumstances. Your vision will keep you moving and pull you forward. So go ahead. Think big. Think HUGE.  Make a vision board. Put it on your Pinterest. Scrapbook it.  Journal about it. Your vision is only for you.

Let me say that again: Your vision is for you. Here’s a really cool thing about the Universe, God, Krishna, Louise, whatever you call your Source (for our purposes we’ll say God, because it’s the easiest to type). Pay attention now:

If God gives you the vision, God will give you the provision.
 

God is not going to send your provision through your sister’s vision, or your friend’s vision, or your mom’s vision of how it can be accomplished. Your vision is for you.

This means that after all the vision-creation and praying, you have to get up off your knees, get up off your ass and begin moving in the direction of your vision. The responsibility is yours. Take a course; get a part time job in your new field. You must do the thing that scares you. Do you know what happens if you don’t step out of your comfort zone? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.

That being said, you must also guard your vision. You don’t take a premature baby out of the womb or the incubator and show her to all and sundry. “Look! Look at this baby I’m incubating! When she’s all ready to be born, she’s going to be something!” You don’t expose your little baby-vision to all the germs and cooties and negativity that some people might rain down on her little head. She won’t survive, and then you’ll be heartbroken for the rest of your life. No, rather you guard her, protect her and only expose her to those whom you know for sure will nurture and protect your baby vision, just as you would. You get around those who will support your vision and help her grow until she is ready to be birthed into the world. Finding support is relatively easy in the information age – it’s a big internet out there, people- and if you have a vision, guaranteed someone out there has a similar one. Google it.

The flip-side of that is you must also protect your vision from what I like to call the “Crazymakers”. These are the people who will crap all over your vision, not because they don’t love you, (many of them will be your close friends and family) but because they just don’t get it, and that’s ok. Your vision is for you. It’s not for them; however your little baby vision must be protected from them at all costs. They are not in line with your vision for any number of reasons, usually traceable back to their own childhood programming and damage. Don’t be mad, it has nothing to do with you. Many Crazymakers are fearful that if you achieve your dreams they’ll be left behind; or it will point out to them how they gave up on their vision. Regardless, they come at you with their own agendas that have nothing to do with nurturing your vision. You must not expose your vision regularly to those who are not in line with its manifestation or it will die.
It. Will. Die.  Guarding it is your responsibility.

There are five types of toxic people that are absolute dream killers. I’m sure you know at least one of them. Some people are combinations of two or more of these types. If they’re in your family or circle of friends, by all means, love them, honor them, but for your own sake, don’t share your dream with them. Let them be dazzled when your dream manifests in all its glory.

The Complainer
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you and other people. Nothing is ever his fault. He’s been cheated, mistreated, misunderstood and done wrong. And it’s everyone’s fault but his.

The Vampire
This is the needy person who constantly calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. Four words you’ll rarely hear her utter: “So, how are YOU?”

The Shamer
This person is hazardous to your health. Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit. The shamer will cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of you or your ideas, almost always in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and will try to convince you that this criticism is for your own good. His favorite saying is, “Well, I’m just being honest.” The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his. His agenda is to build himself up by embarrassing you.

 The Devil’s Advocate
This is the person who discounts or takes exception to everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and gains energy by finding fault with another’s position. It is really quite exhausting to have a conversation with this contentious person, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. Then you end up avoiding them out of plain old weariness.

The Town Crier
This person tries to create a sense of intimacy by talking with you about others, behind their backs. They want you to feel privileged to be “in the know”. The Town Crier gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you. Your inside stuff and more importantly, your vision, simply aren’t safe with this person.

Vision.

Your Vision.

What is it that you want to manifest into the world?

See it, feel it, smell it, touch it, taste it.
Most of all, protect it. 
It's your baby.

I will leave you today with an old, Italian joke:

A man goes everyday to church and kneels before the statue of St Francis of Assisi. “Francesco” he pleads, “Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”For weeks and weeks, he goes every day to the statue, and on his knees, begs:

“Please, please, please, help me to win the lottery!”

Finally after months of begging, St Francis comes to life, steps down off his pedestal and says to the man:
“My son, please, please, PLEASE…… buy a ticket!”

Your vision is your ticket.

Go get it.

Getting Un-Stuck

 "I'm too wornout."  "It's not allowed."  "I'm too scared." 

"Stuck in neutral."  "Stuck in a rut."  "Stuck on stupid."

OK, people, the stuck stops here!

  "I feel so stuck. I need to find a passion, but I just can't." 

About half of my friends say this regularly. They talk as if their passion was a lost item they could find by digging around in their psyches, like beachcombers with bad shorts, wearing dark socks and sandals, running about with metal detectors searching for treasure in the sand. Just for a moment, stop digging. Look at the ocean. Can you sense its inconceivable power, its vast, untamed, glorious fertility? Good. Now we've got us one of them-there metaphors, Buford. 

Passion—including the passion we feel within ourselves and therefore call "ours"—is not something we can grasp or possess but rather, a force of nature, connected to and influenced by things that extend far beyond any single person. Finding it isn't like shopping for the perfect bargain at the mall; it's like leaving the comfortable terrain of home behind us and throwing ourselves into the sea. Most of us avoid taking the plunge. We turn away from the ocean, ignoring the roar of breakers, refusing to notice how our hair prickles when we smell that salt water. Then we spend years looking for our "lost" passion in the sand of a grotesquely overpopulated place called the "Island of Yeah-But." ( I really, really, REALLY hate the phrase "Yeah-But") 

The Island of Yeah-But 

The "yeah" pushes us toward our dreams and goals; the "but" stops us dead in our tracks. Yeah-but prefaces infinite justifications (translation: excuses) for avoiding the things our hearts find compelling. Try this: The next time you hear yourself say "Yeah, but…,"ask yourself if you're describing a genuine obstacle that cannot be overcome or walked around. If not, do exactly what your Yeah-but keeps telling you not to do. Write that novel. Adopt a puppy from the pound. Speak up for that charity or cause. Keep the "yeah"and kick the "but." If this feels like the "BIG SCARY" and the way is still unclear, you may need to address the factors that trigger the Yeah-buts in the first place. It been my observation that in the areas where I'm feeling stuck, I'm probably feeling one of the Three Fs: fatigued, forbidden or fearful. 

Fatigue 

If your inner life is so blahzie-blah that you don't enjoy anything, or if you know what you love but find yourself stuck in Yeah-but excuses, ask yourself, "How old do I feel?" If the answer is "Really, really old," you're probably too tired to embark on a grand journey of pursuing your passion. Fatigue can cause an absence of physical desire (an exhausted body isn't programmed to run races or make babies), a loss of mental sharpness, and/or a flat emotional profile. (This is my personal kryptonite.)

 Sometimes I'm just plain tired. At times, this may reach the level of depression. One day, a couple of years ago, a co-worker trudged into my office, plopped into a chair, and said she was depressed—only she said it so slowly that I thought she said "deep rest." (AHA! A light bulb moment!!) In a way, this was accurate. Depression can be part of a general systems shutdown, meant to turn us toward healing. A tired body, a tired mind, a tired heart can't—and shouldn't—be passionate about anything but rest. So if you're exhausted, take care of YOU. Curl up with the kid or the cat and watch TV, sleep, read, sleep some more. Eventually, you'll wake up feeling like it's time to go for a walk, or get in the kitchen and cook something beautiful to the senses, or go to the gym, or pickup the pen and write or something. One important caveat: If you aren't feeling refreshed after a couple of weeks' rest, it's time to see a doctor. You may have a condition, such as a chemical imbalance, that can be alleviated only through professional care. (There, friends in the medical profession, are you happy? I'm being all responsible and stuff) 

Forbidden  

Often stuck people have learned through experience, example, or explicit instruction that passion is bad. You may feel stuck if your super-religious parents were always railing against sin or if your suave, intellectual,"trendier-than-thou" friends mock anyone who seems enthusiastic about anything. We'll do almost anything to avoid shame. To see whether you have been stripped of your passion by social judgment, complete the following sentences with whatever comes to mind:

*If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would..... 

*If I could be sure I'd do it right, I would..... 

If you thought of things you've never actually done, things that make you giggle with embarrassment, you're probably forbidding yourself. You've learned to expect negative judgments when you get passionate about something, so (consciously or unconsciously) you avoid intense feeling and anything that causes it. The tragic thing is that many people never realize there are places where they can jump in and swim with confidence. It's true that some social environments are vicious, but others are warm, accepting, loving. Think of the things that you'd do if they weren't forbidden. If they don't violate your own moral code, start doing them and for the love of Pete, DON'T go sharing this part of yourself with the people who would judge you. I call this not letting anyone crap on your parade! Protect your passion. It's yours. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't. I've watched incredulously as dozens of friends and co-workers who are just getting unstuck seek support from the very people who got them stuck in the first place. They confide in their militantly atheist friends about their call to the ministry, or tell their pessimistic, puritanical mother that all they want to do with their life is DANCE! Don't make this mistake. You know what the sharks look like, and the places they lurk. Avoid them. Instead share your passion with the folks who are most likely to support you. In doing so, you'll add social approval to the inherent joy doing what you are called to do—and it will feel fabulous. 

Fearful 

An acquaintance of mine is a gorgeous, intelligent, girl preparing to ask for a promotion at her job. The pressure triggered a whole bunch of fears she had suffered since she was the youngest child of a severely disapproving father. She began to replace healthy behaviors with eating binges, and she started gaining weight while losing confidence. (Any woman will tell you that sudden weight gain, no matter how minuscule, is a confidence killer). She talked to me, a bit about her fear (we don't know each other that well). This helped her get a handle on her fear, but didn't eliminate it. Why? Because she really, really cared about getting that job, and there was a good chance she'd fail, and that was super-scary to her. Period. To get unstuck,we are compelled to take this kind of risk, fearful or not. Waiting to feel brave so that you can act brave? Oh no. So sorry, but thanks for playing. The only way to develop courage is to act brave regardless of the level of fear you are experiencing. In my acquaintance's case, this meant doing two things every day: nurturing that scared little girl inside her, and getting that scared little girl to do the kind of job that gets her noticed, to put herself out there. It's called the soft-heart, hard-ass approach. If you're stuck, I'd advise you to adopt it. Care for your heart by soothing it, but follow your dreams even when you're scared. Make friends with the fear that tells you you're doing something real and important, that you're breaking out of your comfort zone. By feeling the fear and doing something, anything to move you towards your dream anyway, you do risk failure—but you will still get unstuck, often in ways you never expected. 

The Family Edition

Note: This is a reprint of an e-letter I used to send out called "Insight of the Day". I had thought it lost, as is is an old one - BUT- One of my sister-friends resent it back to me because she thought it needed a re-read. So, thank you, Teen Teen for the reboot. I surely needed it! 

They range from the Sopranos to the Cosbys to the single mom down the block. They've known you all your life, and that's no small thing. They're your family. 

And yes, they may be loving, maddening, silly, critical, inspiring, horrendous or more likely a combination of the above, but they signal one very important thing: 

You are not alone.

Short of living in thatch hut in the Congo, I can't imagine a family further from the idealized 1950's family, a la "Leave it to Beaver", than mine. I'm a single mom and have been for a long time. I've also been an orphan for most of my adult life and, like many of my girlfriends, for many different reasons, an unmothered mother. So what does one do? In my case I acquired a family of friends; sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces and nephews and added it to the remnants of the one I grew up with. And it truly is a family, with all the stuff, good and bad, implied by that term. We get together, we fight, we lift each other up, we let each other down, we can see things very differently or we can be completely unified. We say awful things to each other sometimes but mess with one of us and you mess with all of us.  
That got me thinking after a particularly ugly exchange with a family member over something stupid: What is it that makes us a family? It's not blood. Most of us don't have that in common.  We are more a family of re-creation than procreation. Is it a deep abiding understanding of each other? Oh, HELL no.  I'm an artist, chock full of all the neuroses, narcissism and moments of inspiration that implies. Seventy percent of the people in my family (of origin and acquired) don't 'get' me, not even a little bit. The other 30% are artists themselves. It's ok, because I don't 'get' a lot of the people in my family either and vive la difference!
I do get that we are an unparalleled cast of characters and the play shall be forthcoming. Hey, a writer must write.

The Crazy Grandmother:
Well, that would be ME ...and my cousin. (Though we prefer the term eccentric.) We are both writers, we are both rock 'n' roll mamas, albeit in our own unique genres. She, a hippy from way back, is full of lovies and stories and can solve any problem in life via her a-MAZ-ing cooking. She will feed your tummy and feed your soul.  Me, I'm more of a hard rock chick, I'm more likely to pour the wine (or tequila) or make pot after pot of strong coffee and talk things through ad nauseam. By the end of the night we have usually solved the world's problems and are just waiting on the call from the UN.  The downside of all this is that we share some of  the same character flaws. We're both more than a little neurotic and just a tad dramatic. A tiny bit. OK, a lot. In fairness, we both feel things very deeply (artistic temperament and all), then bottle up the bad stuff, in the interest of keeping the 'peace and love' flowing. Until it doesn't. Then, whoa Nelly! Duck and cover, people. Things blow up, and in a  big way. (See: pressure cooker principle) 

 The Sisterfriends:  You all know these girls. Every woman has them and every man fears them. 
 

  Being more of a 'man's woman', I have a only a handful of sisterfriends and would cheerfully die for any one of them. They are very different from each other and each of them has something unique and wonderful to bring to the table. My sisterfriends include a white-light angel with 5 kids of her own who mothers me; the 20+ year sisterfriend who shared poverty with me when our kids were small and now rejoices in my artistic successes just as I rejoice in her financial ones; the sexy blonde who needed my help in getting ok with being the 'bad guy' in her divorce, and now reminds me that it's ok to love and let someone in, and there are several more, as vital as air and as different as snowflakes. They hold me up and keep me real. There is a particular subset of sisterfriends, however, that take it to the next level...

 The Aunties:
These are the sisterfriends who have become intimately involved with my kids. There are only two. They are the resource I go to when my spawn are driving me up a wall. They are also the resource that my kids go to when I'm driving them up a wall. It's made for some interesting conversations and some spectacular fights over the years. Every mother wants to feel her kids can talk to her about anything. Reality check: they can't, and they won't. In fact, at many points in their young lives you, Mom, are the equivalent of Satan and Sadaam Hussein all rolled in to one. I'm grateful for the fail-safe the Aunties provide for my kids, even though it is hard to realize that your kids see you vastly differently than you see yourself, and usually ascribe to you some diabolical intentions. But the Aunties provide an ear, some cookies and more importantly, advice that doesn't come from another kid. It really does take a village, people. 

 The Brotherfriends
Where, oh where, would I be with out these wonderful men... I would not be moving into a place in my life where I truly live as an artist were it not for my spectacular brotherfriends. Based purely on numbers - most of my friends are men. It's about a 50/50 gay/straight split. That said, my brotherfriends are disproportionately artists. Actors, musicians, poets, prophets and kings, all. They are my muses. They are pure support. While my relationships with my girlfriends can be fraught with passive-aggressive undertones and hidden agendas, let's face it, men are simple, straightforward. I treasure that. Every day.  They say what they mean and mean what they say. They listen when I bitch and then respond with things like -"So, what are you going to do about that?" Not "oh you poor dear",  not "let me fix it for you",  just - "How are YOU going to fix it". Think about it. It's the highest compliment. It says: "I know you're perfectly capable of fixing this. I know that all this whining is beneath you. So do you. So, ok- let's fix it. " And then they are 100% there, without judgement, for support, drinks, carrying heavy things, power tools, whatever it takes. My male friends want for me whatever I want for myself. I adore them.

 The Grown Kids
 

OK - so none of them are teenagers anymore. My kids and most of my friends' kids are grown people now. But they still feel like teenagers from this end. They still act like teenagers in some situations. They're still yelling - " GET OUT OF MY LIFE, but first can you do this or that for me?"  They're smart, funny, struggling with their own identities as adults, falling down, getting up, in short - doing all the things we were doing 20 years ago.  They're still blaming the parents for everything that's wrong with their life. That's ok -we can take it. We did it too. It will pass. They want desperately to be treated like adults...except for the bill paying, cleaning up after themselves part. Or when they're sick. Or when there's a crisis. Not that we're complaining. We're delighted they still need us, and once in awhile we're not the Source-of-All-Evil. 


These are the characters that make up my family. Again, why is this a family??
One word.
Love.
We love each other.
Unconditionally.
We screw up. We fight. We say awful things.
And then we forgive each other and move on.
Forgiveness is the very essence of love in action.
I mean real forgiveness. The 'never-bring-this-up-again' kind of letting go.
It's easily the most loving thing one can do.
Love.
It's what's for dinner. 

How Many "Do-Overs" Does One Get?

Seriously. 
This is a question I get from people all the time. I also ask myself this question pretty consistently.
I sometimes feel like a serial re-starter and that makes me ask myself,  "What does this say about me?"
Apparently, I'm not alone. 
This blog, and the response I get to it from you guys, is evidence that I'm not alone. 
There are books on the New York Times Best Seller list that tell me I'm not alone.
The questions that I've heard most often, about do-overs, are usually some version of the following:

"I've had two true loves in my life. That's more than most people get. Do you think I've had my shot? Do you think there is a quota on true love, and I've hit mine?"

"I really hate my job, but this is the third career change I've attempted. If I make a move everyone will think I'm a slacker or that I lack commitment. Should I just suck it up and stick it out?"

"I feel like I'm not making any progress, as if life is passing me by. Again. Why do I keep getting stuck?"


Herein is my considered opinion on this topic. 
Bear in mind, it is my opinion. I am not a doctor (although I will play one on TV if asked).

Love:  How many "love do-overs" do you get? I feel pretty strongly on this topic. As many as it takes. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that teaches there is only one "soul mate" per person and if you miss that person, well, you're just out of luck. I, personally, have many soul mates and only one of them is my lover. I have had three "Prince Charmings" in my life and I will not negate two of those loves because they are not the current one. I will love all three of those men on some level until the day I die. I think the lesson I've gotten from falling on my face (more than a few times) in the love department is this: Love is a verb. It is what you do. It is not a feeling. The feelings are, passion, infatuation, amity, congruence, friendship, affection, but love is a verb. Love is holding someones hair while they throw up. Love is letting someone cry snot balls into your favorite shirt while you hold them. Love is not saying the hateful thing you're thinking just because you're irritated right now. Love is acting loving even when you're not feeling the loving feelings. Love is getting up in the middle of the night and doing what needs to be done for the sick kid or the sick partner. Love is being as committed to the other person's growth as you are to your own, even if that means setting them free. Love is walking away with grace and goodwill when you can do no more good or your love is no longer wanted. I'll say it a third time: Love is a verb. It has no limits. It is not a finite quantity. It is the Universe in action. It's only parameters are the ones we make up. 

Career: This is a tough one. I believe each of us has a purpose, a calling. We are all here for a purpose and when we find that purpose we know. It's the thing that doesn't feel like work. It's the thing we do that we start at 7 am, realize at some point that we're hungry, look up, and realize it's 7 pm. I know one part of my calling is to be a teacher. I've taken a teaching role in many of my friendships, relationships and most of my career choices, quite organically. To this day, when I want to learn something, I process it or break it down as if I were teaching it to someone else. 
That said, we have to factor in circumstances. We have bills to pay, children to raise, retirements to secure. So it's necessary for most of us to have a job while we search for and figure out how to monetize our purpose. Non-calling related jobs can teach us valuable tools to that purpose, specifically: business skills, people skills, organization, time management, and discipline. Let's face it, your boss doesn't want to hear that you "aren't feeling it today" and that same discipline should apply when YOU are your boss. So if you hate your job, you have two choices. Change what you are doing OR change how you think about what you are doing. When you start looking at aspects of your "day gig" as teaching tools to push you forward and teach you skills that will manifest your "dream gig" then it becomes a stepping stone to success rather than a brick wall. Perspective is reality, people.

Progress: The fact that one is asking the question, "Why am I not progressing?" is a great sign. Do you know how many people live a life of  "getting by" and are sure there is nothing more? Many. Too Many. I think it is important to know that you are here for a purpose. I think it is imperative to seek that purpose, however long it takes for you to find it. 
It is my opinion that the number one reason people get stuck is fear. Plain, old fear. We are conditioned to conform. We dread others saying the following about us: "You can't do that, are you crazy?" "There's no money in that, you'll starve." "Well if you do that, I'm done with you." "I'd like to support you, but I don't think you should live your life that way." "You're not good enough to make a living that way!"  or my personal favorite, "Just who do you think you are?"
Those statements will facilitate stuck-ded-ness for sure, but I think the fear of those statements is far more insidious. Those statements take root because at some level we believe them to be true. Therefore conquering that fear is an inside job. It requires telling yourself daily, in many different ways, that you ARE good enough. To feel the fear and act anyway is to kick the fear to the curb.One must take those statements (and they will come your way if you are doing something even a little out of the ordinary) and turn them into fuel for your engine. This alone is a sign of progress, so celebrate it! People who are not following their bliss are generally resentful of those who are. Why not make it your mission to inspire them otherwise?


I am inspired by Bishop TD Jakes in a lot of ways, but particularly his talk on "Living on Purpose". Don't be put off, if you're not one to listen to preachers. This man has a message for everyone. Check it out:

     

To answer the title question, "How Many 'Do-Overs' Does One Get?" 

 

As many as you need to get to your purpose, your life's work, your calling and your bliss. 

 

Every breath you take is a chance to start over.

 

Are you breathing?

 

Good.

Second Act: Fitness

I just turned 48.
Holy COW! 
How did that happen!?
 

When I was 26, after having my youngest child, I weighed 204lbs. I spent most of my 20's hating my body and treating it badly.
In my 30's, I got thinner (by purging and poor nutrition), slightly fitter (from running as an emotional escape) and still hated my body and treated it badly (smoking, eating like crap, etc.).
In my early 40's, I spent a lot of time thinking, pondering (ok, obsessing) about how I wasted my youth hating my body and treating it badly. After several attempts which resulted in falling flat on my face, I finally, really, truly GOT something. It's not what I'm eating, it's what's eating me. I had to get ok with me. Right now, as is. Then make a real decision to value who I was, warts and all, and take care of this vehicle I showed up on Earth in, before it crapped out on me.

Now: I'm 48. I never met a carb I didn't like. Red wine is my friend but I eat well most of the time. I'm in pretty good shape for an old broad. I work out regularly, wear a size 6, run the odd 5k, do yoga religiously every morning and am probably stronger than I've ever been in my life, due to weight training. I do not own a scale and have no intention of buying one. I also happen to live with a personal trainer, so being out of shape is out of the question. These are all good things. Not because I'm trying to be 26 again but because I'm trying to be strong. To be fit. To fuel my vehicle's engine with high test instead of the cheap gas. Again, not because I'm trying to be "cute" (although that helps) but because I love the way I feel. I love the energy and mood lift it provides. And it keeps me young in attitude- doing things like 5K obstacle mud runs and pushing myself physically. The fountain of youth is found in movement, in the kitchen and in your attitude. If I can do it SURELY anyone can.

The truth is that it really is never too late. I know many who started changing their lifestyle in their 40's and 50's and are now full-on athletes.

Take my friend Christine, or as I like to call her: my Little Gazelle. Two years ago, when she was 42 and I was 46, she sent me an email with a link to a 5k, obstacle-filled, mud-soaked race, along with the plea, "Please, you're the only one I know who's crazy enough to do this with me." So, being the shy, retiring, petite flower that I am (snort); I signed up with her.

I trained maybe three times a week. 

 

Christine took it to a whole new level. She studied the science of running, of fitness. She made her body a scientific experiment. She modified her diet to aid in muscle growth, speed and recovery. She went to the world-renowned Rothman institute in Philadelphia and had her gait and running style studied; so that she could purchase the proper shoes and orthotics. And in the ensuing two years she has turned herself, at 44 years of age, into a true athlete.  We no longer run races together because I run a 10 minute mile (on a good day) and that pace is laughable to her now. She is a gazelle.

She also looks fantastic. She has always been a beautiful girl, but now she's in amazing health and it shows in the glow of her skin, the radiance of her smile and the positivity of her attitude.

  

As I get nearer to 50 myself, it becomes less about what my body looks like, and more about what it can do. (Let's be honest, being fit only slows gravity, it doesn't stop it entirely.) 

I can lift heavier than I ever could. 

I'm 48. 

I'm a grandmother. 

And this is an unretouched photo of me after morning yoga.

I think I'm holding up rather well, if I do say so myself.

The upshot is this: there is no reason you cannot improve your health and fitness even if it's just s little. Start from where you are right now. Move something. Dance in the kitchen while you are making dinner. Take the stairs. Walk the dog. Make exercise like brushing your teeth - an automatic thing you don't even have to think about. Choose the apples instead of the french fries. Small changes yield big results. I promise.
  
There are many resources out there for you to get educated and motivated to take care of YOUR health so you can enjoy a fantastic quality of life well into your Second Act. 

Here are a few for you to click on:

Education:

LiveStrong
Men's Health
Women's Health
Discovery Health

Motivation:

Strong is the New Skinny
Strong Lola
HasFit- FREE workouts!
Workout Motivation

June Cleaver Ate My Daughter

There is a new book out by author Peggy Orenstein entitled "Cinderella Ate My Daughter". Which in my humble opinion is one of the greatest book titles ever. It documents the rise of the "uber girlie girl" trend in children today, from Disney Princess overload to kiddie pageant madness.

I've noticed a different but equally pervasive trend amongst the grown children of my generation. Many of us who are now Second Act empty-nesters have discovered that although we raised our children in a fairly liberal, free-thinking, somewhat tree-hugging, tolerant, non-materialistic way, that is not the life our children seek for their own futures.  Our children do not want to model our lives, they want our parents' lives.

Or rather, they want what they perceive our parents' lives to have been. I know my daughter and her friends have a special affinity for the 50's housewife archetype. My concern is that this perception is largely based on television and romantic nostalgia for "good old days" that never really existed.

So allow me to shed some light on The Great Generation, kids.

The Great Generation didn't just happen. Rather, it was forged and tempered by hardship, war, and volatile social change. This is the generation who grew up during the deprivation of the Great Depression and then went on to fight in World War II. Those whose productivity within the war's home front made a decisive material contribution to the war effort. Tom Brokaw wrote in his 1998 book The Greatest Generation, "It is, I believe, the greatest generation any society has ever produced." He argued that these men and women fought not for fame and recognition, nor for oil or religion, but because it was the right thing to do. When they came back they rebuilt America into a superpower.  All true. However the reality is that the conditions which created that generation just do not exist anymore. 
And thank God for that.

My father was born several years prior to the stock market crash of 1929 and the onset of the Great Depression. He recalled many times how anxious he was not to be the last kid to "get out of short pants" on his block.

 People pulled together as a community out of necessity. The "pot luck" dinner was popular at this time as a way for neighbors to pool their resources at a time when food was in short supply. Going hungry was common. My grandparents' house had been marked by hobos and transients as a place where you could get a plate of food at the back door, because my grandmother could not turn anyone away hungry. All of this sounds terribly romantic, no?
Here's the other side. People were hungry. Men were deserting their families in droves to "go tramping" and left their wives and children to starve. Unemployment was over 25% and that does not take into account under-employment due to job rationing. It was the longest, most widespread, and deepest depression of the 20th century. Children were not highly valued "precious darlings," to be treasured and protected, as they are now. They were a commodity to help support the household and expected to work as soon as they were able. No free rides, not even for children. My father had his first job as a "soda jerk" at the age of 11. He handed every penny he earned over to his parents. He was forged by a work ethic that is very rarely seen anymore in America's current age of entitlement .

While Roosevelt's New Deal began recovery, the economy really didn't turn around until we went to war. 

My father enlisted in the Army Air Corps (later to become the USAF) when he was 18. He wanted to fly airplanes. Unfortunately, his eyesight was not 100%, so that dream was not to be. When he reenlisted it was to join the legendary 101st Airborne, the Screaming Eagles. He was, and is, a hero in my eyes. That said, he never spoke of war as glorious or glamorous. It was not. He was a scared kid when he went and a different man when he returned. And he took nothing for granted, felt entitled to nothing. Ever. 
On the home front women went to work in the factories and took over the jobs the men had left when they went off to fight. The war effort still had certain luxuries in short supply, and there was rationing but the economy was recovering. The war was good for the economy because, let's face it, a dead guy can't flip a burger or pump your gas. Just to clarify: war is not, and can never be, a good thing, even when is has sometimes been a necessary thing. It is a horrifying testament to man's inhumanity to man.  People die. Lots of them. Horribly. I've never heard anyone who has actually been in real combat describe war as good or glorious. Ever.

Which brings us to post-war, the 1950's and early 1960's, the years so longed for by my children's generation. Due to the GI Bill and the rise of the Military Industrial Complex, as well as the changes in the workforce that gave rise to the birth of a service based economy (rather than a goods based economy), more people held white collar jobs (56%) than blue collar. It was the birth of the US middle class, which had heretofore been marginalized and was now the majority. Women returned to the home and men went to work. It was the era of Ward and June Cleaver. My mother, who happened to be named June, was one of these women. 

  
We live in an age that ridicules the wholesome likes of Ward and June Cleaver. The thing is, once upon a time there were real Wards and Junes. But they were not perfect. Nor was the society in which they lived. It was pretty good if you were white, middle class and male. It pretty much sucked if you were outside that demographic. Minorities were second class. Women were second class. Poor people were to be ignored. Rich people were despised or envied. Gay people didn't exist, except in tightly sealed closets. But the real life Wards and Junes cared about things beyond their lovely homes and family cars. They raised the next generation, MY generation, to care about bigger things. More importantly, they raised us to get off our behinds and change things, or quit our griping. So we did. 

The Baby Boomers, the sons and daughters of the Great Generation want a dream life for everyone, whatever that dream means to them personally. And that includes our sons and daughters who are nostalgic for their grandparents' lives. 

What I would like to suggest to this generation? Take the best of the Great Generation: the grit, the work ethic, the stewardship of resources, the unwillingness to be wasteful, the joy of family, the sense of community, responsibility and good neighbor-ship. Lose the worst: the racism, the homophobia, the xenophobia, the resistance to change, the sexism. Then take the best of YOUR generation: the technology, the ability to think and act globally, the innovation, the vision of something bigger than yourself. Lose the worst: the sense of entitlement, the narcissism, the celebrity-worship, the materialism.  And maybe, just a little, honor your parent's generation. The ones that brought about civil rights, choice for women, care for your planet, and the desire to make things better out of love for you.
Take all of the above and meld it into your generation's legacy. A legacy you can leave to your children.
Who will  probably then turn around and long for my generation's life.

Go Fig.

Your Second Act.

Intermission

Intermission. 

It’s the pause in the play where you take a few minutes, stretch, have some refreshment and gear yourself up for Act Two. Maybe you review what happened in the first act. Maybe you speculate on what’s going to happen in the second act. Maybe you just take a breath, relax and enjoy the company of the people near you for ten minutes. If you are an actor, it is a breather where you can make adjustments: change costume, change circumstances, change motivation and change tactics.

In life, we all have events that can throw us into intermission; life-changers which create a scene where we must pause, reflect, and figure out how we’re going to start over.  Things like divorce, death of a loved one, losing a job, relocating, the last child moving away or an unforeseen illness can all send us reeling backstage to regroup. Our heads spin with questions: “How did this happen?” “Why did it happen to me?” “Why now?” and most commonly “WHAT now?” “How do I change costume, change circumstances, change motivation and change tactics?” We become stuck and fearful. Some of us stay in intermission for months, or years. 

Fear not, help is on the way! This Blog is meant to help you custom design your life after intermission. To give you strategies and tools to start over, whatever your circumstances, however dramatic your first act may have been; to make you, not just a bit player, but the author, director and star of your Second Act.

I want to hear from you! 

• What BIG EVENT threw you into Intermission? 
• How are you stuck? What information would help?
• Let your story of stuckded-ness and recovery inspire other Second Actors!
  

Intermission is over. 

So go forth, with a little boldness, a little sass and a lot of courage and let your Second Act begin! 
Curtain up! 
Lights up! 
Action!