How Many "Do-Overs" Does One Get?

Seriously. 
This is a question I get from people all the time. I also ask myself this question pretty consistently.
I sometimes feel like a serial re-starter and that makes me ask myself,  "What does this say about me?"
Apparently, I'm not alone. 
This blog, and the response I get to it from you guys, is evidence that I'm not alone. 
There are books on the New York Times Best Seller list that tell me I'm not alone.
The questions that I've heard most often, about do-overs, are usually some version of the following:

"I've had two true loves in my life. That's more than most people get. Do you think I've had my shot? Do you think there is a quota on true love, and I've hit mine?"

"I really hate my job, but this is the third career change I've attempted. If I make a move everyone will think I'm a slacker or that I lack commitment. Should I just suck it up and stick it out?"

"I feel like I'm not making any progress, as if life is passing me by. Again. Why do I keep getting stuck?"


Herein is my considered opinion on this topic. 
Bear in mind, it is my opinion. I am not a doctor (although I will play one on TV if asked).

Love:  How many "love do-overs" do you get? I feel pretty strongly on this topic. As many as it takes. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that teaches there is only one "soul mate" per person and if you miss that person, well, you're just out of luck. I, personally, have many soul mates and only one of them is my lover. I have had three "Prince Charmings" in my life and I will not negate two of those loves because they are not the current one. I will love all three of those men on some level until the day I die. I think the lesson I've gotten from falling on my face (more than a few times) in the love department is this: Love is a verb. It is what you do. It is not a feeling. The feelings are, passion, infatuation, amity, congruence, friendship, affection, but love is a verb. Love is holding someones hair while they throw up. Love is letting someone cry snot balls into your favorite shirt while you hold them. Love is not saying the hateful thing you're thinking just because you're irritated right now. Love is acting loving even when you're not feeling the loving feelings. Love is getting up in the middle of the night and doing what needs to be done for the sick kid or the sick partner. Love is being as committed to the other person's growth as you are to your own, even if that means setting them free. Love is walking away with grace and goodwill when you can do no more good or your love is no longer wanted. I'll say it a third time: Love is a verb. It has no limits. It is not a finite quantity. It is the Universe in action. It's only parameters are the ones we make up. 

Career: This is a tough one. I believe each of us has a purpose, a calling. We are all here for a purpose and when we find that purpose we know. It's the thing that doesn't feel like work. It's the thing we do that we start at 7 am, realize at some point that we're hungry, look up, and realize it's 7 pm. I know one part of my calling is to be a teacher. I've taken a teaching role in many of my friendships, relationships and most of my career choices, quite organically. To this day, when I want to learn something, I process it or break it down as if I were teaching it to someone else. 
That said, we have to factor in circumstances. We have bills to pay, children to raise, retirements to secure. So it's necessary for most of us to have a job while we search for and figure out how to monetize our purpose. Non-calling related jobs can teach us valuable tools to that purpose, specifically: business skills, people skills, organization, time management, and discipline. Let's face it, your boss doesn't want to hear that you "aren't feeling it today" and that same discipline should apply when YOU are your boss. So if you hate your job, you have two choices. Change what you are doing OR change how you think about what you are doing. When you start looking at aspects of your "day gig" as teaching tools to push you forward and teach you skills that will manifest your "dream gig" then it becomes a stepping stone to success rather than a brick wall. Perspective is reality, people.

Progress: The fact that one is asking the question, "Why am I not progressing?" is a great sign. Do you know how many people live a life of  "getting by" and are sure there is nothing more? Many. Too Many. I think it is important to know that you are here for a purpose. I think it is imperative to seek that purpose, however long it takes for you to find it. 
It is my opinion that the number one reason people get stuck is fear. Plain, old fear. We are conditioned to conform. We dread others saying the following about us: "You can't do that, are you crazy?" "There's no money in that, you'll starve." "Well if you do that, I'm done with you." "I'd like to support you, but I don't think you should live your life that way." "You're not good enough to make a living that way!"  or my personal favorite, "Just who do you think you are?"
Those statements will facilitate stuck-ded-ness for sure, but I think the fear of those statements is far more insidious. Those statements take root because at some level we believe them to be true. Therefore conquering that fear is an inside job. It requires telling yourself daily, in many different ways, that you ARE good enough. To feel the fear and act anyway is to kick the fear to the curb.One must take those statements (and they will come your way if you are doing something even a little out of the ordinary) and turn them into fuel for your engine. This alone is a sign of progress, so celebrate it! People who are not following their bliss are generally resentful of those who are. Why not make it your mission to inspire them otherwise?


I am inspired by Bishop TD Jakes in a lot of ways, but particularly his talk on "Living on Purpose". Don't be put off, if you're not one to listen to preachers. This man has a message for everyone. Check it out:

     

To answer the title question, "How Many 'Do-Overs' Does One Get?" 

 

As many as you need to get to your purpose, your life's work, your calling and your bliss. 

 

Every breath you take is a chance to start over.

 

Are you breathing?

 

Good.

Second Act: Fitness

I just turned 48.
Holy COW! 
How did that happen!?
 

When I was 26, after having my youngest child, I weighed 204lbs. I spent most of my 20's hating my body and treating it badly.
In my 30's, I got thinner (by purging and poor nutrition), slightly fitter (from running as an emotional escape) and still hated my body and treated it badly (smoking, eating like crap, etc.).
In my early 40's, I spent a lot of time thinking, pondering (ok, obsessing) about how I wasted my youth hating my body and treating it badly. After several attempts which resulted in falling flat on my face, I finally, really, truly GOT something. It's not what I'm eating, it's what's eating me. I had to get ok with me. Right now, as is. Then make a real decision to value who I was, warts and all, and take care of this vehicle I showed up on Earth in, before it crapped out on me.

Now: I'm 48. I never met a carb I didn't like. Red wine is my friend but I eat well most of the time. I'm in pretty good shape for an old broad. I work out regularly, wear a size 6, run the odd 5k, do yoga religiously every morning and am probably stronger than I've ever been in my life, due to weight training. I do not own a scale and have no intention of buying one. I also happen to live with a personal trainer, so being out of shape is out of the question. These are all good things. Not because I'm trying to be 26 again but because I'm trying to be strong. To be fit. To fuel my vehicle's engine with high test instead of the cheap gas. Again, not because I'm trying to be "cute" (although that helps) but because I love the way I feel. I love the energy and mood lift it provides. And it keeps me young in attitude- doing things like 5K obstacle mud runs and pushing myself physically. The fountain of youth is found in movement, in the kitchen and in your attitude. If I can do it SURELY anyone can.

The truth is that it really is never too late. I know many who started changing their lifestyle in their 40's and 50's and are now full-on athletes.

Take my friend Christine, or as I like to call her: my Little Gazelle. Two years ago, when she was 42 and I was 46, she sent me an email with a link to a 5k, obstacle-filled, mud-soaked race, along with the plea, "Please, you're the only one I know who's crazy enough to do this with me." So, being the shy, retiring, petite flower that I am (snort); I signed up with her.

I trained maybe three times a week. 

 

Christine took it to a whole new level. She studied the science of running, of fitness. She made her body a scientific experiment. She modified her diet to aid in muscle growth, speed and recovery. She went to the world-renowned Rothman institute in Philadelphia and had her gait and running style studied; so that she could purchase the proper shoes and orthotics. And in the ensuing two years she has turned herself, at 44 years of age, into a true athlete.  We no longer run races together because I run a 10 minute mile (on a good day) and that pace is laughable to her now. She is a gazelle.

She also looks fantastic. She has always been a beautiful girl, but now she's in amazing health and it shows in the glow of her skin, the radiance of her smile and the positivity of her attitude.

  

As I get nearer to 50 myself, it becomes less about what my body looks like, and more about what it can do. (Let's be honest, being fit only slows gravity, it doesn't stop it entirely.) 

I can lift heavier than I ever could. 

I'm 48. 

I'm a grandmother. 

And this is an unretouched photo of me after morning yoga.

I think I'm holding up rather well, if I do say so myself.

The upshot is this: there is no reason you cannot improve your health and fitness even if it's just s little. Start from where you are right now. Move something. Dance in the kitchen while you are making dinner. Take the stairs. Walk the dog. Make exercise like brushing your teeth - an automatic thing you don't even have to think about. Choose the apples instead of the french fries. Small changes yield big results. I promise.
  
There are many resources out there for you to get educated and motivated to take care of YOUR health so you can enjoy a fantastic quality of life well into your Second Act. 

Here are a few for you to click on:

Education:

LiveStrong
Men's Health
Women's Health
Discovery Health

Motivation:

Strong is the New Skinny
Strong Lola
HasFit- FREE workouts!
Workout Motivation

June Cleaver Ate My Daughter

There is a new book out by author Peggy Orenstein entitled "Cinderella Ate My Daughter". Which in my humble opinion is one of the greatest book titles ever. It documents the rise of the "uber girlie girl" trend in children today, from Disney Princess overload to kiddie pageant madness.

I've noticed a different but equally pervasive trend amongst the grown children of my generation. Many of us who are now Second Act empty-nesters have discovered that although we raised our children in a fairly liberal, free-thinking, somewhat tree-hugging, tolerant, non-materialistic way, that is not the life our children seek for their own futures.  Our children do not want to model our lives, they want our parents' lives.

Or rather, they want what they perceive our parents' lives to have been. I know my daughter and her friends have a special affinity for the 50's housewife archetype. My concern is that this perception is largely based on television and romantic nostalgia for "good old days" that never really existed.

So allow me to shed some light on The Great Generation, kids.

The Great Generation didn't just happen. Rather, it was forged and tempered by hardship, war, and volatile social change. This is the generation who grew up during the deprivation of the Great Depression and then went on to fight in World War II. Those whose productivity within the war's home front made a decisive material contribution to the war effort. Tom Brokaw wrote in his 1998 book The Greatest Generation, "It is, I believe, the greatest generation any society has ever produced." He argued that these men and women fought not for fame and recognition, nor for oil or religion, but because it was the right thing to do. When they came back they rebuilt America into a superpower.  All true. However the reality is that the conditions which created that generation just do not exist anymore. 
And thank God for that.

My father was born several years prior to the stock market crash of 1929 and the onset of the Great Depression. He recalled many times how anxious he was not to be the last kid to "get out of short pants" on his block.

 People pulled together as a community out of necessity. The "pot luck" dinner was popular at this time as a way for neighbors to pool their resources at a time when food was in short supply. Going hungry was common. My grandparents' house had been marked by hobos and transients as a place where you could get a plate of food at the back door, because my grandmother could not turn anyone away hungry. All of this sounds terribly romantic, no?
Here's the other side. People were hungry. Men were deserting their families in droves to "go tramping" and left their wives and children to starve. Unemployment was over 25% and that does not take into account under-employment due to job rationing. It was the longest, most widespread, and deepest depression of the 20th century. Children were not highly valued "precious darlings," to be treasured and protected, as they are now. They were a commodity to help support the household and expected to work as soon as they were able. No free rides, not even for children. My father had his first job as a "soda jerk" at the age of 11. He handed every penny he earned over to his parents. He was forged by a work ethic that is very rarely seen anymore in America's current age of entitlement .

While Roosevelt's New Deal began recovery, the economy really didn't turn around until we went to war. 

My father enlisted in the Army Air Corps (later to become the USAF) when he was 18. He wanted to fly airplanes. Unfortunately, his eyesight was not 100%, so that dream was not to be. When he reenlisted it was to join the legendary 101st Airborne, the Screaming Eagles. He was, and is, a hero in my eyes. That said, he never spoke of war as glorious or glamorous. It was not. He was a scared kid when he went and a different man when he returned. And he took nothing for granted, felt entitled to nothing. Ever. 
On the home front women went to work in the factories and took over the jobs the men had left when they went off to fight. The war effort still had certain luxuries in short supply, and there was rationing but the economy was recovering. The war was good for the economy because, let's face it, a dead guy can't flip a burger or pump your gas. Just to clarify: war is not, and can never be, a good thing, even when is has sometimes been a necessary thing. It is a horrifying testament to man's inhumanity to man.  People die. Lots of them. Horribly. I've never heard anyone who has actually been in real combat describe war as good or glorious. Ever.

Which brings us to post-war, the 1950's and early 1960's, the years so longed for by my children's generation. Due to the GI Bill and the rise of the Military Industrial Complex, as well as the changes in the workforce that gave rise to the birth of a service based economy (rather than a goods based economy), more people held white collar jobs (56%) than blue collar. It was the birth of the US middle class, which had heretofore been marginalized and was now the majority. Women returned to the home and men went to work. It was the era of Ward and June Cleaver. My mother, who happened to be named June, was one of these women. 

  
We live in an age that ridicules the wholesome likes of Ward and June Cleaver. The thing is, once upon a time there were real Wards and Junes. But they were not perfect. Nor was the society in which they lived. It was pretty good if you were white, middle class and male. It pretty much sucked if you were outside that demographic. Minorities were second class. Women were second class. Poor people were to be ignored. Rich people were despised or envied. Gay people didn't exist, except in tightly sealed closets. But the real life Wards and Junes cared about things beyond their lovely homes and family cars. They raised the next generation, MY generation, to care about bigger things. More importantly, they raised us to get off our behinds and change things, or quit our griping. So we did. 

The Baby Boomers, the sons and daughters of the Great Generation want a dream life for everyone, whatever that dream means to them personally. And that includes our sons and daughters who are nostalgic for their grandparents' lives. 

What I would like to suggest to this generation? Take the best of the Great Generation: the grit, the work ethic, the stewardship of resources, the unwillingness to be wasteful, the joy of family, the sense of community, responsibility and good neighbor-ship. Lose the worst: the racism, the homophobia, the xenophobia, the resistance to change, the sexism. Then take the best of YOUR generation: the technology, the ability to think and act globally, the innovation, the vision of something bigger than yourself. Lose the worst: the sense of entitlement, the narcissism, the celebrity-worship, the materialism.  And maybe, just a little, honor your parent's generation. The ones that brought about civil rights, choice for women, care for your planet, and the desire to make things better out of love for you.
Take all of the above and meld it into your generation's legacy. A legacy you can leave to your children.
Who will  probably then turn around and long for my generation's life.

Go Fig.