When Did I Become HER?!? (of Men, Unintentional Polygamy and a Whole Lot of WTF?)

Quick story.
OK so, I was getting dressed for my son-in-law's graduation from law school.
I was in full on Main Line Mom Mode.
Calvin Klein navy sheath dress: Check.
Pumps: Check.
Pearls: Check
Poker straight blowout: Check
Kenneth Cole clutch: Check
I looked in the mirror and thought: "Who in holy, blazing hell is THAT???"
My mother. That's who that is.
Not me. Never me. I'm a tree hugging, hippy-dippy, incense burning, yoga-loving, we-are-our-brother's-keeper, artistic, liberal-independent (ok I voted for Reagan once upon a time, but it was my first time and everyone was doing it!)

It startled me.
I got to thinking. "No, that country club princess is me too." She's in there.

And so is the glamazon, sex goddess of stage and screen. She shares quarters with the super-nerdy history buff who can tell you more about ancient religious customs than you ever wanted to hear. Like, EVER. They live right down the hall from the hard working single mom, who doesn't have time to bake cookies for the bakesale because she's got two god damned jobs, so will you just give her five minutes of quiet, please?!? Right next door is the girl who just wants to sing with the band and dance all night and stumble in at four in the morning with tired feet and a head full of adventurous stories to tell. She likes to have breakfast with the domestic goddess who loves to cook and will feed you until you are fit to burst (and make you a Tupperware of leftovers to take home, because you never know, you might want a nibble later.) She takes care of everyone, especially adventure girl, who does things like ziplining down volcanoes in Costa Rica and running off to Paris for her BFF's 50th birthday. And they all sit down at the table with Writer Chick to sort it all out.
They're all in there. In me. Along with multiple others.


No wonder the poor men in my life have been confused. They were involved in a polygamous relationship without their knowledge. Feel bad for those guys.
Because all of those women, in greater or lesser degrees, require acknowledgement. The biggest relationship fails I've had- and there have been a few - have been because the person with whom I was relating kept trying to fit me in to a category. A box. A pigeon hole. It's suffocating and then I am forced to flee. I have no choice. There is no oxygen in there.
When I've met someone who 'gets' my gypsy soul, (there have been exactly two), despite great love, or at least the potential for artistic power-couplehood, they end up having a gypsy soul of their very own and can't stay. (annnnnd cue broken heart....or at least bruised heart).

My father, who was the smartest human I've ever met, once told me "Tootsie, in relationships you need a string and a kite. If you have two strings they just lay on the ground and no one flies. If you have two kites, they both fly off into space and get lost. But when you have a kite and a string, the string holds the kite steady and the kite lifts the string as far in the air as the string lets it. And thank God for your mother because she's my string. Get yourself a string, TootsiePop. You are a kite."
He wasn't wrong. He got me.
 

 


If I ever find someone who gets me like that....I'll love him so hard his head will spin.
And he'll never be bored.
Ever.

2014 Post-Mortem...and Forward Motion

So I didn't name last year.
2012 was the Year of Making.
2013 was the Year of Manifesting/Publishing
I didn't name last year.


I think, partly as a result of being nameless, last year was a haphazard whirlwind of big changes. If I had to name 2014 retroactively, I think it might have been the Year of Mayhem. I wasn't entirely unfocused but my focus was rather like a light house beam, spinning around in a spiral to highlight different things at different times. As a result, everything changed in 2014, just not in any kind of linear fashion. 

 Everything changed. 

My residence- a significant upgrade. And I now live alone, which has its pros and cons, but for the most part, works beautifully for me. My job - In addition to my writing, I now manage a rad team of beauties who make the world more beautiful - and more importantly, help women realize their own unique beauty.  My children are wonderfully successful and happy in the main. I wrote and performed a cabaret that I am developing into a one woman show.  I played Marie Lombardi (wife of legendary football coach Vince Lombardi) on stage, as well as the comic book villain version of myself on another stage. I became a BeachBody coach and committed to helping other people be/stay healthy.  There's still a part of me that whispers in my ear - "You haven't done enough, accomplished enough." What's enough, I wonder? What did I miss?

-I didn't write every day. I wrote, but writing is like water - if you want it to flow, you have to turn on the faucet regularly. I had some self-inflicted plumbing issues in 2014. 
-I didn't care for my health properly. I turned 50 in September. And while I'm pretty fit, I didn't take care of some important baseline medical stuff. 
- I let sporadic time management derail some important progress, and allowed myself too much tech distraction. 

So let's name 2015... The Year of Motion.
Forward Motion- not haphazardly,  but rather on purpose.

Part of that is going to be blogging more. In the past I have focused on blogging about things to help others. If something inspired me, I'd pass it along in the hopes of inspiring someone else.  The funny thing about that is the things that actually inspired people were almost always different than my expectation. It was a continual surprise.
So I'm just going to tell my stories. Tell my truth. And continue to be surprised by what moves people.  Forward motion.

Another move forward will be to protect my health better. Get my behind to the doc's more often and get my important testing done (mammogram and colonoscopy etc.) Because all the fitness in the world can't cure cancer.

The final vehicle for motion is better time management.  
Less distraction, more presence. 
Being here, now. 
Doing the work in front of me. 
Not forecasting or projecting. 
Not rehashing the past. 
Just gifting myself and others with my mindful presence.

Here's to 2015!

The Year of Motion!